A Great Sound

It has been a really busy last several days. My 30th birthday was on friday and we had something planned to celebrate each day since friday. It has been fun but I am tired especially considering I missed my nap yesterday and today. But today I got a great belated birthday present. I got to hear a our baby's heartbeat. We had our 6 week ultrasound this afternoon. It was supposed to be tomorrow but at the last minute I had to change locations so it ended up being a day earlier. They only saw one embyro on the ultrasound. This was a little bit of a surprise to us because everything seemed to be pointing to twins ( my doctor said he was even bettting on twins) but today they only saw one. It was a little sad to find that out because we wanted both of those embies to join our family but we know it's all in God's plan. For one thing it might be hard for my body to carry twins considering my history of back/spinal problems. So we rejoice that one of our embies is now in heaven and the other one is growing strong in my womb. It was really neat to have an ultrasound and actually see something on it ( through this process I have had countless monitoring ultrasounds and they are not nearly as fun!). We got to hear the heartbeat which was such a wonderful sound. It measured at 120 bpm. And they estimated the gestational age to be 6 weeks 3 days which is one day older than previously estimated so we are right on target for an early August baby. I know we still have a long way to go in this pregnancy but seeing the embie today and hearing the heartbeat was such a relief. We are looking forward to our next "viewing" in another couple of weeks. Thanks again for all of the prayers! I will post a picture of the ultrasound once I get it scanned but sorry folks I need to go to bed now!

1826

I got my results back from my hcg taken yesterday morning and it was 1826 which means my hcg almost quadrupled in 48 hrs and they like it to at least double. So everything continues to look good. My nurse was happy with the results and she gave me some instructions for going forward. First of all my due date is Aug 7th. I am going for my first ultrasound ( 6 week) on Dec 15th and then I am supposed to go for another one at 9 weeks. These 2 ultrasounds will be at the fertility clinic that I used for the preliminary ultrasounds before the transfer and then after that I will be able to start going to my regular doctor. Dr Keenan at the NEDC will be monitoring my labs and they will be the ones to determine when to decrease and stop my Estrace and Progesterone shots. I have a phone appointment with Dr Keenan next thursday as well. So everything is progressing well so far and we just pray that everything continues that way!

480

I am a little slow on updating our blog probably because I am really tired which is most likely due to the fact of what my nurse told me when she called yesterday that I am " very pregnant". I went for my beta hcg yesterday and I wasn't expecting to hear back until today but around 5 pm yesterday my nurse called to tell me that the results came in and my hcg was 480 which in her words was considered " very pregnant". They like it to be between 50-100 at that point ( 11 days post transfer) so 480 was really good. I know we are not out of the woods yet but we were so thankful for that news. I go for labwork again tomorrow to make sure that my numbers are doubling or at least going up. So we are praying that each test continues to come back with positive results. And I have certainly got what I wanted when I said I wanted to feel what it's like to be pregnant. I already having cravings, nausea at times and ravenous hunger at other times, tiredness(extremely tired), and some hot flashes. So I am definitely feeling pregnant. I don't think I have ever been so happy to have nausea before! Josh said he knew I was pregnant when over the weekend I was craving a coke and when I say craving I mean I was desperate for one and if you know me you know I never drink soda. And then the other day before my test when I told him that I was so hungry when I was out in the morning that I thought I was going to eat my arm so I stopped at McDonalds which I also NEVER do. So I am trying to eat healthy for the most part but some of my cravings have been not so healthy but that was when he knew. So we are really excited and hopeful. Thanks for everyones prayers, cards, messages and encouragement ( and excitement for those of you who got to find out our news in person!). Please continue to pray for every step of this journey that we are on.

Filling Our Mini Van

We have a mini van. I know there are still a lot of people who swear they will never drive a mini=van because of the stereotypes about minivans. I for one always wanted a mini van. My parents never had one and I wanted them to. I thought they were practical. You can get so many people in one car! My husband was one of those people who said " Iwill never own a mini van". Well guess what, after Raegan was born and we realized that our biggest car, a Vibe, was not big enough when we went on trips with our baby and our toddler ( our dog who acts more like a toddler than a dog), we got a minivan. We decided to get a minivan because we knew we wanted to have more kids. We prayed, Lord, we are getting this minivan so you can fill it with children. And my husband bought into the idea becuase the mini van we got was rather sporty and it even has a sports car engine so it doesn't " feel" like a minivan. That is still our prayer. " God fill our mini van with children".

Yesterday He blessed us with 2 little tiny lives that we hope will grow inside my womb and one day take up 2 seats in our minivan next to their big sister. Everything went well with the transfer. There were 4 embryos total but only 2 ended up surviving the thaw. The 2 that survived were very healthy according to the embyrolost. They receive scores and one had a AB score which is very good and the other one had an AA score to which the embyrologist said " you can't get any better than that". So we are hoping and of course praying that these two little ones survive. They again gave us a picture of them which is always my favorite part. But this time when they handed me the picture it felt different. Now I don't like to go on feelings. But it almost felt like I was laying in a hospital bed being shown our newborn babies for the first time. It felt really real this time, like this is it,these are our babies.

We are excited to see what God has planned. We know He already knows every detail of our life. I have been at peace throughout this procedure and it is my hope and prayer that I can remain that way no matter what happens. For now I am just excited to be able to get to leave Tennessee after I finish my bedrest of 24 hours and go to NC to see our precious toddler at her aunt and uncles house ( whom I think we still miss more than she misses us).

In God's Hands

We made it to Knoxville yesterday without any problems. I thank God that He protected our family from any illness that would have prevented us from coming. There was so much going around in our town and with our friends that I would have to say even with my efforts of keeping Raegan "quarentined" , we have already experienced God's first miracle of this trip. It is without question that it is God's provision that we are here and that we are all completely healthy!

We left yesterday and we brought my mom ( who was staying with us since sunday) and Raegan with us part of the way. My brother's father in law Bill graciously offered to drive up and meet us along 81 to pick up my mom and Raegan and take them back to Greensboro so that we wouldn't have to go out of our way. That was such a blessing too because if we were to have driven them to Greensboro and then headed to Knoxville it would have made for a very long one day trip. So thank you so much Bill! We had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel ( of course) where we met Bill and then my mom and Raegan were on their way to my brothers house. We thought Raegan might have trouble leaving us and getting in another car but all we had to do was tell her she was going to see her cousins and she was fine. My mom said she didn't fuss at all on the car ride. Josh and I were the ones fighting back tears becuase we hate leaving that little girl! Josh and I continued on our way to Knoxville and arrived here at about 5 pm. When we called to check in on Raegan we heard her on the other end of the phone having a blast and already being spoiled with attention by her cousins! Again we were the ones fighting back tears saying we miss her ( shouldn't it be the other way around?). But we are truly happy that she gets to spend a few days with her cousins whom she loves! And her grandma and aunt and uncle! And Josh and I were able to go on a date to a nice Japanese restaurant. So that was a blessing too since it has been a long time since we have really had a date.

We are now just up and waiting for our transfer. We go at 2 and our transfer is scheduled for 2:30 this afternoon. It's kind of nice to have the day to relax and prepare ( and to be able to sleep in past 6 am!). I just got finished having some really great time praying and reading my devotional. I have really been trying to have peace throughout this process. I woke up at about 5 am with some anxious thoughts but I prayed at that time and was able to go back to sleep. When i woke up later and had my quiet time God gave me some great words. I actually opened up to the wrong day in my devotional and started reading it and realized it was the day that God had intended for me to read. Here are some excerpts:

" I am with you always...People respond to my continual presence in various ways. Most Christians accept this truth but ignore it in their daily routines. A few people center their lives around this glorious promise and find themselves blessed beyond all expectations. When my presence is the focal point of your consciousness, all of the pieces of your life fall into place. As you gaze at me through the eyes of your heart, you can see the world around you from my perspective. The fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaninful". ( From Nearer to Jesus by Sarah Young).

One of the scipture references was Psalm 139 which is one of my favorite pieces of scripture ( if not my favorite). It was a reminder again this morning that God has my life in His hands. He knows my every thought. He knows my every word. And He knows everything that is going to happen in my life. He also knows these precious embies. He knows what His plan is for their lives. He knew about each one of us before even a day was formed on Earth. So there is no reason to fear. Our lives, all of our lives are in His hands. Today I cling to that promise and I strive to gaze at my God through the eyes of my heart. He has a purpose for every moment of my life and for every life. Today I strive to walk through every moment with the peace that only He can give. There is no reason to fear. There is no reason to be anxious. My God is with me and He carries me through every step and every moment of this journey of life. I am excited to see what miracles He is going to perform today.

" O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me... You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am... You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. .. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." ~ excerpts from Psalm 139

We're Ready

I haven't been very good at updating this blog but I thought I put up a post to let everyone know the progress so far. As of today we are officially ready. I had my last monitoring appointment and bloodwork and everything looks good so I am cleared to begin my progesterone on sunday. I have completed a round of antibiotics just in case it was an infection that caused the implantation failures in the first 2 rounds. I am currently on Estrace and just finished my last shot of Lupron last night. So we are ready to go! My mom and dad are coming down on sunday and my mom is going to stay with us until our trip. It will be nice to have a few days to get some stuff done so that I am able to relax when we come home. We will be leaving on wednesday morning and taking my mom and Raegan to my brothers house in North Carolina. They will stay there while Josh and I travel down to Knoxville for the transfer. Josh and I will come back to their house on friday and we will all have an early Thanksgiving dinner with them and stay the weekend. I am sure Raegan will have a blast playing with her cousins. So we are all set. The only objective now is to make sure we all stay healthy! Raegan and I have been pretty much staying around the house to try to minimize exposure to germs ( especially the flu). I don't mind getting a cold I just don't want to catch anything that may mean us having to cancel our transfer. So right now we are just enjoying our time as a family and praying that next week is the beginning of a bigger family for us.

A lot of people have asked me how I am feeling about this transfer. I would have to say that I am looking forward to this process being over. Emotionally and physically it is just very taxing to have to deal with all of the appointments, shots, trips to Tennesee, having to leave Raegan. Of course we want the outcome of this transfer to be a preganncy. That is our greatest hope and prayer. And I know it will be devastating if this doesn't work but I know that God will carry us through it all and He has a perfect plan for our family. We are looking forward to this journey unfolding. I go through times where I am at peace about this. There are days when I feel like I will be ok if this doesn't work and that I will have to give up my longing of experiencing pregnancy. And then there are other days that I feel like i can't face having to give up that longing. What I have learned recently is that things haven't gotten easier. Josh and I are still dealing with the loss of not being able to conceive and that will always be a part of us and our journey. We were so blessed by the gift of adoption when God brought Raegan into our family. And for a while it seemed like the pain had lifted. But what I realize is that the pain is still there. Now we face the pain of longing for Raegan to have a sibling and not being able to provide her that they way we want. Raegan loves being around other kids. She loves playing with the big kids but she also really loves babies now. Whenever we leave from seeing friends she cries. That makes it so hard on me. If it was my plan she would be having a baby brother or sister in december. But that was not God's plan. I thought it would get easier to hear of other's getting pregnant. And for a while I think it did because we had Raegan. But now as we are longing for Raegan's brother or sister, hearing that news from others who are expecting their next children is hard again. It's not becuase I am not happy for others, it is just because I long for what they have. So anyway. I guess in some ways I am finding that it feels like the pain is creeping back in when I thought it had gone away. What I try to focus on is looking back and seeing how God provided. Looking back and remembering that crushing feeling I had when Josh and I were told we couldn't have children. And then remembering how God blessed us with the most beautiful little baby girl we have ever seen, 9 months later. We know God is faithful. We know God will give us our heart's desire - a sibling for Raegan. And we know that God is with us through the waiting and through the pain. The other day Raegan told us she wanted 3 babies so maybe God knew we needed a little extra time to prepare :)

We are looking forward to meeting our precious little embies next week and seeing how this journey unfolds for us.

Update on our Embies

We heard back from the NEDC and we didn't get the embies that we had put down as our first choice. Someone else had chosen them first. But we did get our second and third choices. Our second choice are from a couple from North Carolina ( another favorite state of ours) and there are 4 blastocyst embies. We shouldn't need to go to our 3rd choice embies but they are from Pennsylvania. We are excited to meet our little embies on November 19th. And we are glad that we know which ones we will receive so we can begin to specifically pray for them. We pray for all of these little embies and our thankful that they will get a chance at life!

Coming Up

Our third and final embryo transfer is coming up. It was quiet there for a while after our second transfer. There is not much to do except move on. We enjoyed our summer and now things are picking up again. We were given a date of November 19th for our third transfer. And we were able to make our choices for our embyros on friday. We are waiting to hear back to see if we were given our first choice. But our first choice is a couple from Virginia. They have 5 blastocyst embryos and they are both on the younger side. So we will find out shortly if those will be our embies. I will begin my protocol in a couple of weeks. It's hard to believe it's already time for all of this again. I think we are really hopeful that this third and final transfer will work for us this time. But I think we are just also ready to find out if it doesn't work so that we can move on and see where God takes us next on this journey. I have had some time to reflect lately and I won't go into it now but I although at times feel anxious about everything, have really felt that I have come to a place where I feel peace. I'll post more once we know more!

Talk with Dr.Keenan

Today I had my phone appointment with Dr. Keenan from the NEDC. He is really such a nice doctor, so very compassionate. This appointment went much like the last appointment. He said he was very sorry it didn't work and that he doesn't really have an explanation why. There is a 42% chance each transfer that it will result in a delivery. He said I was part of the 20% that acheives a pregnancy but does not result in a delivery. He encouraged us that if we want to try for our 3rd try he still feels we are great candiadates. I asked him if there was any testing that he recommended I have done and he said no but if there was anything that would make me feel more comfortable that he would certainly do whatever I wanted. After some reflection I think the only thing I may ask for is antibiotic treatment for a possible uterine infection. This is a simple, non invasive thing that could be done that would help if there is an undected infection but won't hurt if there isn't one. I also asked him if he would change my protocol and he said no he wouldn't. He said everything looked good and my body responded well to the medications so he wouldn't change it. So basically we are going to try one more time and hope and pray that it works. And if it doesn't, we will move on.

I have done a lot of reflection over the last couple of weeks. And God has really given me peace. God has given me words of encouragement through my quiet times, Bible study and from other believers. I feel that God has really brought me to a place of understanding and acknowledgemnt that I am His. He wants the best for me. It hurts Him to see me in pain when things don't go my way but ultimately He knows what's best. And I have gotten to a place where I can firmly say " God I want what you want for me, that is the desire of my heart". I used to think that one of my heart's desires was to be pregnant. I have come to realize that this is a longing of mine but not my heart's desire. My heart's desire is to be a wife, a mother and most importantly God's daughter and disciple. We can't have all of our longings. My longing to experience pregnancy may or may not be fullfilled. I don't know this or not. But I do know that God will give me the desires of my heart if I seek Him with my whole heart. That I am trying to get my focus to be. God has a plan for my life. Will I be disappointed just like any child is if they don't get what they want, sure I will be. But I would rather God do what He thinks is best in leading the plan for my life than for Him to always give me what I want. A good parent doesn't give their child all that they want, they give them what they know is best for them. That's a hard lesson to learn but I am trying to work on that. I know God has a plan. I have seen His miraculous wonders already. A couple of years ago God decided not to give me what I asked for. I prayed that God would allow Josh and I to conceive a child. But God gave me the desire of my heart when He gave me Raegan. And I know it is no different. God may give me what I am asking for when Josh and I go for a 3rd embryo adoption transfer or He may not. But I am confident He knows what's best. He doesn't promise it will be easy but He promises to bless His children.

Another No

We heard back today from Dr. Keenan's office regarding my blood work from yesterday morning. The hcg level dropped to a 4 so we are I am no longer possibly pregnant. In a lot of ways I wish that on tuesday they could have just told me it was negative. On tuesday that is what I was expecting to hear but instead I heard positive. I looked on the internet and talked to some people i knew who said that they too had very low initial hcg levels but that it kept increasing and they had normal pregancies. My hope increased and I found myself actually believing that this time it was going to be different and I would indeed be pregnant. I tried to not get my hopes up too much because I knew that 12 was a very low number and although it was ok for some people for me it wouldn't necesarily turn out all right. But my hopes got up. I even started experiencing what I thought were pregnancy symptoms but maybe that was just wishful thinking ( it's amazing what we which for when we want to be pregnant, what I would have given to have had morning sickness.) I was almost completely convinced by the time i got the call today that it was going to be good news. But it wasn't. I definitely broke down for a while. Getting my hopes up only to be let down was really hard. I felt like some of that peace that I had gathered on monday was lost with the let down that I wasn't really expecting. But regardless it is what it is. And I know that God has not left me. He still has a plan. I don't know what His point of allowing me to have a postive test only to receive a negative test next but He knows and one day I will find out answers to these questions. None of us like pain but it is what allows up to grow. It's so hard to live in this world remembering it is only temporary. I had a pretty rough afternoon but I can already feel the peace coming back in. God does have a plan. God is faithful. God has not changed.

After I had my little breakdown for a while, I heard Raegan waking up from her nap. I went in to her room and I still had some tears on my face and I picked her up and she gave me a kiss and patted my back with her hand. She has no idea why I was crying and she probably doesn't even understand when I am sad but she knew what to do. I am so blessed to have her. She brings me so much joy. It's always amazing to me how joy and sadness can reside so closely together. She is a constant reminder to me of God's love and faithfullness. She is a constant reminder to me that no matter what depth of pain we experience the end result is always worth it. I am confident that one day in the future of our family there will be another little reminder walking around and I again will say " I am so thankful for the pain because without it I wouldn't have you".

So we are moving on to the next steps of our journey. We will be praying about what God wants us to do next. We will probably go back to the NEDC for a 3rd and final try at embryo adoption but we still want to be open to other options as well. I don't want to be so consumed with trying to expand our family that we don't spend time cherishing the family that we are today. I am going to enjoy my time with Raegan. I know I will miss those one on one times with her once other children are brought into our familand be thankful for the many blessings in our lives.

Possibly Pregnant

I finally got a call back from my nurse at the NEDC this afternoon. Just as an aside Quest Diagnostics does not really take the STAT part of an order seriously. But anyway she had just received the lab results and she said that it was positive but a very low positive. The hcg value was 12 and I am not sure what the number on my progesterone was but she said that was excellent ( it should be with as much as I am having shot into my body twice a day). She said 12 is a low number but that to confirm a pregnancy it is not so much the number but how it is rising. I guess from a little research anything above a 5 is technically considered positive. So I have to go in for another lab draw tomorrow morning. And that result will be the determining factor of if I am to continue on meds,etc. for this cycle. So I have to say it was not what I was expecting. I was anticipating that it would be a no and that I would stop my meds today. But such is not the case at least not yet. So we have a few more days of waiting. We are continuing to pray that God would bless us with a baby. I had been upset for a couple of days as i had posted about in my last post. I was sure it didn't work and I was upset. But we had a really good message at church on sunday and I had some really good time talking to God yesterday and I am amazed at the sense of peace He brought me. A reoccuring theme that has been coming up is how God is my father, my parent. I have been reflecting on that and on how God wants me to treat Him like a parent. As I shared in my last post. I can't always give Raegan what she wants because it's not good for her. As a toddler she has a narrow focus and a narrow ability to understand the plans I have for her as a parent. Why did I ever think it was any different with God and I? It's not. He means it when He says He has a plan for me. Today I am trusting in that fact as He continues to reveal His plans to me and my family. He has never left my side and he never will. Today I am thankful that I am technically still pregnant. I am going to enjoy that for today and wait and see what God brings to me tomorrow.

Test on Monday

I have scheduled my blood test to see if i am still pregnant. It's on monday so it's not too much longer of a wait. I am beginning to feel not so confident that this worked. I feel the same way that I did at this point in the last transfer. I was pretty upset yesterday but I am trying to have peace and rely on God to see us through this process. We won't know anything for sure until monday. And I know no matter what the outcome that God is in control and He does have a perfect plan. I know God doesn't always answer prayers in the way that we think we want but He is our loving father and He knows what is best for our lives. I have a clearer picture of how God views us now that I am a parent. Sometimes Raegan really wants something and she is persistent in asking. Sometimes we give her what she wants and sometimes we have to say "no". We say no not because we are mean parents who don't love her. We say know because it is our job as her parents to watch out for her, protect her and guide her. We say no sometimes because we love her too much not to say no. I don't know why I ever doubt that God loves me or treats me any differntly than I treat my own daughter. In fact God loves me in a way that I can't even fathom and I know He wants the best for me. So as we approach monday I cling to His promises. And I cling to the fact that He loves me more than I could ever know and He has a perfect plan for my life and for our family.

We're Home

We have all made it home safe and sound. Josh and I were making good time yesterday when we were driving so we decided to just drive straight through to my parents house ( we also couldn't stand to be away from Raegan another night!). I was afraid I wouldn't be comfortable in the car and would have to split the trip up but I was able to put a pillow behind me and recline my seat in a way that was rather comfortable so we decided to come all the way back. Raegan was taking a walk with my mom when we pulled up my mom said she recognized the car ( we were driving Josh's car) and started saying " it's da da!". Then she ran over to us to greet us. We couldn't have asked for a better greeting or gift on our anniversary than to get to see our little girl. We drove back home this morning and Raegan took a good nap, as did I after going to the grocery store. We are all glad to be back home. And we really appreciate my parents watching Raegan (and Kona)again. I know she had a great time with them!

We now just continue our wait to see what happens. I haven't had a chance to scan our embies picture yet but i will post it as soon as i do.

New Additions

Josh and I got to meet our little embies today. They thawed 4 and 3 survived and were transferred. They grade the embryos and 2 of them were good and one was considered average ( although the 3rd may end up being good as well but it was thawed later than the others and so it's really hard to give it a grade). The transfer went well and now we just wait. We got a to see a picture of our 3 little embies which we will try to scan and post when we get back home. Right now I am just resting back at the hotel room and praying that at least one of these little embies finds a nice home in my "belly". I was thinking during my time of recovering after the procedure that right now I am already pregnant with triplets. I know that there is a good chance that all won't survive but right now I am carrying 3 little itty bitty lives inside of me. What an amazing thought and honor! We are excited to see what God has planned for us! And we are also anxious to get home to see our beautiful little girl. We are leaving tomorrow and we may break up the trip by staying another night somewhere. Tomorrow is Josh and my's 5th anniversary so we are going to try to take time to celebrate as we make our journey home. But we'll see because we might not be able to stay away from Raegan for a whole day more!

Right now we are beginning the famous " 2 week wait" and I will do my best at being a good mommy to the little lives I am carrying right now. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers!

We're Here

Josh and I made it to knoxville safe and sound. We just got back from eating some dinner and I am getting ready to turn in for the evening so that i am well rested for tomorrow. We left from our house this morning and it took us longer than expected but we ran into some traffic/accidents and rain. Not to mention we took a long lunch break at Macados in Blacksburg ( i can't pass up a chance to stop in blacksburg when we are driving through). But we are down here now and excited about tomorrow. I called to check in with my mom and she said Raegan is having fun up there. She loves being at grandma and pop pops house. She went over to play with her cousin Tyler at his pool and then he came over to have pizza with her and play with Pop Pop's new train garden. I could hear her in the background laughing and babbling. We miss her but we are glad she is having fun and getting to spend time with her grandparents, and cousin.

We are excited about tomorrow. This morning I went for a run before we left and had a chance to kind of pray and reflect. I was reminded that God already knows what is going to happen tomorrow and in the days following. He knows His plan for those tiny embies and also for our family. It is our hope and prayer that tomorrow is the day that out family expands but we also know that no matter what happens God already knows and it's a part of His perfect plan. So we lay down our lives and continue the next step in this journey.

Our appointment is for 11 am tomorrow. I will post sometime tomorrow with details of how everything went. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement!

one week

i can't believe it but we are one week away from receiving our little embies. time certainly has flown by this time ( probably b/c it's summer and summertime always goes fast for me!). we have successfully completed the Lupron shots. I had my second ultrasound today and everything looks good. So next we start the Progesterone shots. I will take Raegan up to my parents house on tuesday for them to watch her while we are gone. And then Josh and I will drive down to knoxville on wednesday for our transfer thursday. I got a call from the NEDC yesterday and our transfer is scheduled for 11 am on thursday. We are getting excited. I think we both feel better about everything this time. I have also been able to exercise a lot more this time around and keep my stress level down b/c i am no longer working. So we hope that it helps my body to be better prepared this time so that a little embie can find a home. We know it's all in God's hands and in all of those moments where i find myself worrying that it won't work again this time I try to refocus back to Him. He has a plan and it is perfect.

Moving Forward

We are continuing to move forward in our process for our second transfer. I went for an ultrasound and estrodiol level last wednesday and received a call from Dr. Keenan at the NEDC telling me that everything looked good at that I could move on to the next medication and start taking Estrace on the 28th. So I will start that tomorrow. The Lupron shots are going well. They sting for a while after it's given but it's not bad. I gave myself a couple of shots this week because Josh was out and that went fine. I knew I could do the little shots, I still don't think I can do the big Progesterone shots on my own. Not only are those needles HUGE but they have to go in my backside which is a little bit difficult to do without help. But needless to say we are glad that everything is continuing to move forward. I think we both feel more of a sense of peace this time around. It was stressful the first time for both of us. I don't know that stress is the reason it didn't work but maybe we were stressed because we didn't feel God's peace because it wasn't His timing. Josh even told me that he doesn't like going on feelings but if feelings mean anything he has been feeling lately like it's going to work this time. I feel different this time too. I hope those feelings are from God as His way of offering us peace and telling us that this is right this time. We certainly have a lot of people praying for us and that alone offers me peace. So thank you to everyone who is supporting us and praying for us on this journey.

The Shots Begin

I begin my first round of shots tonight. I will start taking Lupron 10 units once a day starting tonight. I still have josh give me these shots even though they are small ( insulin size needle) and they go in my stomach. I could give them to myself much easier than I could the Progesterone but I still like having him give them to me. I don't know how he feels about it but I like that it's something he can do to help. And he doesn't mind doing the little shots, he just doesn't like the big ones. But I start tonight and i am actually excited about that. It means that we are one step closer to our second transfer and hopefully one step closer to becoming pregnant. I am realizing that although this second transfer is feeling easier in some ways I am realizing that this doesn't get any easier. What I mean is that this transfer is easier because we know what to expect, we already know how to give the medications and we know what the process will be like. But I am realizing that overall this journey is not getting easier. I am at peace with knowing and trusting in God's plan but that longing that I have to have another child and to experience pregnancy that is not going away. I don't know why I would expect it to but I did and it's not. I guess I thought that with having Raegan that it wouldn't be hard to face disappointment in our next adoption. But I have always wanted to have a big family. i have always wanted my children to have siblings and therefore it is still hard when we again face disappointments. But I am clinging to the promise that God has for me and for our family. He wants to give us the desires of our hearts. He gave me my hearts desire when he gave me Josh and gave us Raegan. I know he will give me the desire of my heart to have a sibling for Raegan. I don't know what His plan looks like but I will trust in it. And I pray that His plan includes blessing us with our next child on July 16th.

We Have a Date

I received my medication protocol and date for our embyro transfer from the NEDC. We will be having our transfer on July 16th! It just so happens to be the day before Josh and my 5th anniversary. I guess it's not a typical way to spend celebrating an anniversary but the more I thought about it the cooler I think the timing is. It's possible that one ( or yes possibly more than one) of those little embryos will be implanting in my womb on our anniversary. Our second child would be a great blessing to receive on our anniversary. This opportunity alone is a great blessing. I don't think 5 years ago on our wedding day we would have imagined that we would be on this journey. But we are both thankful for this journey. As hard as it has been at times we wouldn't trade in any step we have taken because it is such a privilidge to be able to live out God's perfect will for our lives. There are times when we want to complain about how hard aspects of life have been for us but we always know deep down that God has a reason for every step, every twist, every turn. So we are excited to have a date for our second transfer. We are excited to be able to spend our anniversary down there and we are excited to see where this journey takes us.

It's Go Time

I know that I haven't been keeping up with this blog but i guess there hadn't been too much going on for our second embryo adoption until recently. We also had some internet issues that kept me out of the blogosphere for almost all of may. But over the last week things have started picking up and it is now officially "go time" for our second embyro transfer. I have been on the phone with the pharmacy re-ordering all of my meds and needles. And on friday we received a fax with the embyro donors available to choose from. We had to choose 2 donors but our back up donor was already taken so we chose another one tonight. Our first choice is a donor couple from Texas. They are donating 5 embryos at the blasocyst stage. We decided to go with the blastocyst stage this time after an unsuccessful try with the multi cell stage last time. Dr.Keenan told me that he didn't really see a difference in the success rates between the 3 stages but my internet research showed that blastocysts generally have a better success rate. We know it's all in God's hands and we are trusting in that but we also thought it might be good to try a different stage since we only have 3 tries and this is our 2nd. We are getting excited about going back in July to try this again. We are hoping and praying that this works. I will probably have to start the shots sometime next week and then we will be on the same regimen that I was on last time. We are excited and nervous but mostly excited to have this opportunity again and hoping that this time at least one of these little embyros will survive and grow into a healthy baby! We will keep everyone posted!

Walk By Faith

Today in church we sang a song that really spoke to me. I have heard this song many times before but today the words kind of hit me in a different way. It talks about walking by faith when we cannot see. It reminded me that this journey is not about me. I know that but often times i forget. My life is about glorifying God. It is about letting Him lead me on this journey through life. This life on earth is nothing compared to the life He has promised that I will have with Him. This life on earth is not about me, it's about Him. Life sometimes may happen the way I want it to and sometimes it won't. I don't think God expects us to just accept everything without feeling pain. But He does want us to trust in Him and rest in Him. He wants us to get our strength from Him and not try to do everything on our own. Today it was a good reminder of what my faith and my life is supposed to mean. We will continue on this journey and allow God to reveal His plan for us. Here are the words to the song from today.

Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya
well i will walk by faitheven when i cannot see
because this broken road prepares your will for me
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me

Dear President Obama, Please Do Some Research

I have really tried to give our new President a chance. I know there are a lot of people who really like him but I don't think it's any secret to anyone that knows me that I am not one of them. Some things he has said and done both before getting into office and now that he is in office have really hit me where it hurts. As someone who can't have children, his comment of " i don't want my daughters punished with a baby" and now as someone who is trying to become a mom to "orphaned" embyros through embyro adoption, his latest step of funding emryonic stem cell research has quite frankly made me quite mad. It makes me mad on a couple of levels, one being obvious, that he is disregarding embyros as being life. Last time I checked we all started out as embryos. But on a more practical level it makes me mad because I believe this step in overturning the funding of embyronic stem cell research was completely a political move. There is much more promise in adult stem cell research. Of course i want people with parkinsons and other diseases to be cured. But I don't want the cure to come at the cost of human life. And there are so many more breakthroughs with adult stem cell resaerch that the debate should not be going on anymore and embyronic stem cell research should certainly not be receiving my tax money! All the president had to do was a quick search on google and he would have seen that there is no need for the funding and we shouldn't be doing it anyway if it is going to cost human life. But apparently winning votes was more important to him than regard for human life in the earliest stages.

Recently Dr Oz shockingly told Oprah ( big Obama supporter) and Michael J. Fox ( big embyronic stem cell research advocate) about that the stem cell debate is dead becuase the promise definitely lies with adult stem cells. I hope President Obama was watching that day too. Here is the link if you are interested...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDFJOzu9SyM&feature=related

Doctor's Appointment

I had my appointment ( via phone) with Dr. Keenans, the doctor at the NEDC yesterday. I left the call feeling a little bit more discouraged than encouraged. Not for anything the doctor said. He is a very kind and compassionate doctor. I guess I was just hoping that when I talked to him he may have some sort of answer as to why the transfer may not have worked this time. I specifically asked him about the quality/grading of the embryos because in my mind I thought that they weren't a good quality and it made sense that it didn't work. But when I asked him about the quality he actually told me one was excellent and 2 were good to excellent, only the 4th wasn't good. This kind of upset me. It started my mind thinking "well if these embryos were so good and it didn't work than there must be something wrong with me and it probably will never work". I hate how my mind wanders like that. I have been trying to not let my mind wander and let the doubts and worries set in. It works sometimes and other times it doesn't. I guess I am realizing that I am kind of worn out. We have been through a lot and sometimes it hits me and that's when my mind really starts wandering. I think the thought of having to keep going through more processes and procedures is becoming overwhelming. And I really want to be pregnant and to experience pregnancy. I guess that is one reason that I am so worried that this won't work. Basically this process is my last chance at pregnancy. I know some people can't understand why I want to be pregnant so bad but I am realizing that it is a big part of why I want this to work. And of course I don't want this to work just so I can experience pregnancy. We really want more than one child. We really want Raegan to have a sibling. And I have said it before that I wouldn't trade anything we went through if it meant we couldn't have Raegan. It doesn't matter to me that I wasn't pregnant with Raegan. I certainly don't love her any less becuase of that. Even if we could have our own biolgoical child I wouldn't love them any more than Raegan. She is our daughter and God decided to bring her to us through adoption rather than through pregnancy. But I still have that longing to experience pregnancy. I also don't know if i have the energy and strength to go through the adoption process again. But we'll see if it gets to that point. I know God has a plan and He will give us the strength and resources we need to finish our family. I know that, it's still hard though and I think that's ok.

So anyway. We won't be able to go back for a second transfer until July. The May dates are too early for me to get on the schedule of meds/shots. So we will be going sometime between July 14-16. Our 5th anniversary is the 17th so maybe we'll make a little anniversary trip out of it. I was a little disappointed that we couldn't go back in May but I think it will be good. I think a break from medications and shots and time to relax before our second try will be good. I was under a lot of stress the first time so it will be good to try to get rid of some stress, get back into a consistent exercise schedule. I am also quitting my job, not because of the embyro adoption but because I am finding the stress and busyness it creates is not worth the income. But I think giving up my job will releive some of my stress too. I also may try accupuncture which in many studies has improved the outcome in IVF. So basically I think the time to prepare this time will be good. I am hopeful that it will work next time and I am working hard to keep the worries out. Thanks for everyone's prayers!

Not This Time

I was right in my last post. I got a call from the IVF nurse telling me that my test from yesterday was negative so no need to get the test done tomorrow. Even though I had prepared myself for it to be negative, it was still disappointing. I don't think God expects us to not be disappointed when things don't go the way we plan, He just wants us to rely on Him and trust in His bigger plan and that is what I am trying to do. My fleshly instinct wants to jump in and say " all of what I went through for nothing" but my spirit knows that it wasn't "nothing". This was all part of God's plan. He knew those 4 tiny lives even before they were "conceived" and He knew that He would call them home. He knew it wasn't time for Josh and I to expand our family and He still knows who are second child is. I know we will most likely go through this process again. I have a meeting next thursday with the doctor to discuss where we will go from here. Part of me is upset because I was hoping that this would work out easily. I just feel like we have been through so much physically and emotionally that I was hoping that this would be "easier" and work out the first time. But I know that "easier" doesn't mean " better" and God has the best in store for us. So we will move on and wait to see what the next step is for our family. We feel honored to have been able to have these 4 little lives placed in our care for a brief time and have comfort knowing they are in a much better place now. And we pray that the other couples that were down there at the same time as us received good news today and for those that didn't that they receive comfort and peace. I am so thankful that after receiving that call at work that I was able to leave a couple hours later and see my curly headed little girl holding her arms up and excited to see me. I know this would be much, much harder if we didn't already have her in our lives. I pray for those couples who are longing to hold their first child.

Test Day

Today is my blood test day and I feel like I am going to fail this test. I don't really know why I just have a feeling that I am not pregnant. I don't feel any different other than I feel like my normal cycle is going to come, it's just being delayed by the Progesterone. I decided not to do a home test because I have read a lot of places that with fertility treatments a lot of time the home tests don't read correctly. I have also read places where women took home tests the same day as their blood tests and got negative and then got a postive blood test. So we'll see what happens today and wednesday. For some reason i just don't have a good feeling about it. I think sometimes as woman we just know. But maybe my "knowing" is wrong. We'll see. But regardless I feel like God has been teaching me a lot again through this. It hasn't been easy just as the first time of learning about infertility and going through domestic adoption process. But back then what I thought I wanted and was so upset to not have really turned out not to be what I wanted at all. If I had gotten what I thought I had wanted, I wouldn't have Raegan and like I have said so many times before I can't imagine my life without her. It's no different know. I am happy and blessed to be on this journey. It's not always easy when we find out that we are not going to get what we want ( or think we want) but the awesome thing is knowing that even through sadness and disappionment God is with us, He has gone before us and He knows what we want if we tell Him but He always gives us what we need. So I am sure if there is a negative today we will feel disappointment but all we need to do is look at the curly headed beautiful little girl running around our house and we have all the reminder that we need that God is in control and loves us more than we can ever understand.

Taking Some Tough Shots

This weekend Josh and I experienced some tough progesterone shots. Him on the giving end, me on the receiving end. On saturday night Josh played in a concert at church. I was already asleep by the time he got home and I had the shot out and ready to go for him to give to me. He inserted and checked to make sure it was not in a blood vessel like he always does but when he pulled it out this time, blood gushed out. It stopped after putting pressure on it but i think it startled us both a bit. I got a little woozy i think from just waking up out of sleep and seeing the blood but everything was fine. Then sunday morning Josh had to play at church and we woke up late so we didn't have time to do my shot and if we waited until Josh got home after playing at both services it would have been late. So i took the shot with me and during the service Josh and I went out to the van and he had to give me the shot there. It was interesting to say the least. It was not the most comfortable place to do this and with what happened the night before I think we were both a little apprehensive. We only hope no one could see through the windows in the van ( luckily they are tinted!). Please pray for us that the shots will get easier especially for Josh. He really doesn't like giving them and he said it's getting harder not easier. This inturn increases my anxiety abouth them. And we have a long way to go especially if we get pregnant. And if we don't get pregnant this time then we have to start this process all over again. We are excited about the outcome and we know it's worth it in the end. We are thankful for this opportunity but I think that it is just taxing on us both to have to go through so much for every child we want to have. We know God has a plan and I am not complaining but it's just hard sometimes. I am really working hard not to let the worry set in. The questioning of if this doesn't work, will we be strong enough to endure all of theses shots and medications and expenses again or if this doesn't work how will we be able to afford another domestic adoption? I have been doing pretty good at not letting these thoughts creep in but it's hard once I start to feel worn out. But I know God has a plan and we are just trusting in that. He doesn't make mistakes and He has never let us down before. I guess my prayer right now that I, and Josh can remember that during our journey.

We Have Embies!

We are now the proud parents of 4 tiny little embryos (we like to call them our embies). Now don't freak out when you hear 4. I know that most people do. It doesn't mean that we are going to have 4 babies. The chances of that happening is probably close to zero. But 4 embyos were implanted in me today. Once we arrived they took me to the prep/recovery room. The doctor and our IVF nurse who I have been working with came in to talk to us. I can't express how nice they are. You can really tell that all of the people that work there really believe strongly in what they do. You can tell that they really feel a calling from God to do what they do and it shows. Anyway next the embryologist came in to explain how the embryos were doing. The donor couple that we were matched with had 4 embryos. She thawed the first vial which had 2 and 1 of the 2 was not doing very well ( it had come out of it's case/shell) so they decided to thaw the second vial with 2 more. All 4 of them grew during the thawing which is what is supposed to happen. One of them looks really good, 2 of them were growing but had an average grade and than that 4th little one wasn't doing so well but since it was still growing and not dying they wanted to implant it rather than discard it. The procedure was pretty short. It was uncomfortable at times but overall it wasn't too bad. The worst part was the fact that they had to fill my bladder up really full because it helps push the uterus out and makes it easier for the transfer. And after the procedure I had to lay flat for an hour with a very, very full bladder. It was quite uncomfortable but again all of this is worth it. And I better get used to discomfort because i know there will be much more of that coming if this works! They gave us a picture of the ultrasound where the embryos were placed and the embryologist actually gave us pictures of the embryos which we will try to scan and post when we get home. When we saw the pictures it was kind of emotional. It just reminded us in a more real way that these are lives. Lives with the potential to grow and thrive if given a chance. We know that it is in God's hands. He created these lives and even as tiny little clusters He has a name for each of them. He may call some or even all of them home or He may have a plan for them to grow inside of me and a chance for us to be their loving parents. It's in God's hands at this point. It always has been. Now we just get to wait and see what His plan is for these little embies and for our family.

This is has been a great experience already. Again I am learning a lot about life and about our Creator. We are so thankful for this opportunity and we are excited to see where this journey takes us.

Right now I am just relaxing. I am supposed to take it easy for at least 24 hours. I came home and pretty much slept off the valium. I am a little bit more awake now but we are just hanging out in the hotel room and we will head back home tomorrow afternoon. We miss Raegan and are anxious to get home and see her but we are glad she is having so much fun with Grandma and Pop Pop and I know they are enjoying an opportunity to spend so much time with her!

Once we get home it will just be a waiting game. I am supposed to go in for blood pregnancy tests on April 6th and April 8th and we will find out then if I'm pregnant or not. So from here on out it's just more Progesterone shots, Estrace and the waiting game!

We're Here

Josh and I are now in Knoxville, TN. Josh worked for part of the day while I took Raegan up to Grandma and Pop Pops. Then I picked Josh up and drove to Dulles Airport to fly out. Our flight was fine, although I don't think I have ever flown on that small of a plane before. But we made it in. We checked into the hotel, ate some good Tennessee bar b q for dinner and now we are getting ready to turn in for the evening. We checked in on Raegan and she is having fun at Grandma and Pop Pops and is doing great. We have to be at the NEDC clinic at 8:15 and our procedure is at 8:45. We are getting really excited for tomorrow. We are hopeful that tomorrow we will be on our way to having our second child! We will update sometime tomorrow with how everything went. I will probably sleep most of the day because I have to take 2 valium before the procedure and last time i took 1 valium it knocked me out! But I am supposed to rest tomorrow anyway so that's what I will do! Thanks for all of your prayers!

Big Needle...not so bad

I had to start injections of Progesterone this morning. This is in oil and it has be administered with a very large needle. I have kind of been dreading it ever since I filled the order for the presciprion and saw the size of the needle. I knew Josh would definitliy have to give me this one! We both watched video demonstartions of how to adminster it and looked at a booklet given to me the fertility clinic. When I woke up this morning that was the first thing I thought about having to do. Luckily the first dose was to be given today which was a sunday and not a work day so we had plenty of time to take care of it. We went to the later service at church today so we had all morning. Luckily Raegan went down for a morning nap so we could take care of this without having to try to take care of her at the same time since she is in to everything these days. We got the needle prepared and I laid down face down on the back so that my muscles would be relaxed when Josh inserted the needle into the " upper, outer quadrant" of my backside. He was really nervous about injecting it. I am not sure if he was afraid he was going to hurt me or what but i was laying on the bed for quite a while before he actually jabbed the needle in. I told hiim to take his time and inject it when he felt ready. And then after all of the work up about it, I couldn't feel a thing! I honestly didn't even know when he put it in! Josh did a great job! But I don't think he is going to start pursuing a career in nursing anytime soon!



We have made all of our travel reservations and started packing. I have to work tomorrow so I tried to get as much done today as I could. We will still have last minute things to get together but we are pretty much ready to go and have Raegan and Kona ready for a trip to Grandma and Pop Pops!

We're Going!

This morning I had an ultrasound test and bloodwork drawn to determine if I am at the right place with everything to proceed for the transfer. If things weren't at the right levels it would mean that we would have to reschedule but I got a call this afternoon from NEDC saying the doctor okayed us and said everything looks great so we are officially going to be traveling to TN for our transfer on wednesday. I can't believe it's already time! I am getting really excited. I hope that it works and works this time around but I am not really worried this time like I was with Raegan's adoption. I told my mom that after her adoption I don't have as much trouble with my worrying problem. God's fingerprints were on everything then and they are now too. Everything that I worried about He took care of and had a plan for. He knows who are next child/children are going to be. I am just excited to see what God has in store for us. I want these little embyros to have a chance at life and I am so thankful that we are able to provide that chance for them. So we are making our hotel and car reservations and heading down on tuesday!The only not so fun thing is that now starting sunday I have to start having shots of progesterone in oil and this shot has a very large needle. We are both a little nervous about this one. Josh will be giving me the shot and he is a little intimidated by the size too. I think he is afraid he is going to hurt me ( I know he won't). So we are going to watch some tutortials and then go for it. I have a friend who is a nurse who has offered to come by to show us how to give it if we have trouble but hopefully we won't need to do that. It's not a fun thing to have to do but it will be worth it and besides it's all part of the journey!

Some Details

We will be leaving on tuesday March 24th to head to Tenneseee. Josh and I both had frequent flyer miles with United so we decided to use them on this trip instead of driving down to TN again. It wasn't a terribly long trip but it was still pretty tiring. I decided this time I would rather fly. So I will be taking Raegan up to my parents house in Baltimore on tuesday morning than driving down to go to Dulles airport. We would have rather flown out of BWI because it's closer to my parents house but there weren't any flights availeble so we will fly out of Dulles. We arrive in TN on tuesday evening. Our embyro transfer is scheduled for 8:45 am on wednesday morning and then we fly back on thursday afternoon.

So far I am taking Lupron shots and Estrace. I will stop the Lupron next week and begin Progesterone shots starting March 20th.

I haven't really had any side effects of the medications. I have had a couple of headaches which may be related but nothing too terrible.

We are getting really excited and can't believe that we will be heading down to Knoxville in less than 2 weeks!

Our Little Garden

Ever since we adopted Raegan I have thought about when and how we are going to tell her about her adoption. Josh and I both feel strongly that we want to be very open about her adoption from an early age. We don't ever want her to feel as if have hidden something from her. From talking to other people I don't think she is going to be upset by the fact that she is adopted. We have had her since the day she was born and we are the only parents she has ever known. And people tell me all the time that she is very attached to me ( well we are very attached to each other). So I am not worried about telling her, I just want to tell her in a way that she will understand.

Lately I have been thinking about how we are going to explain Raegan's adoption versus our potential baby from our embyro adoption. And I like analgoies so I began to think about our family like a garden. We adopted Raegan as a seedling. She was already "sprouted" but she was still very small and we had to care for her ever since the day she was born. Our embryo baby will be planted in me as a "seed" and we will carry for him/her as a seed until they " sprout" and that's how they will become a part of our family. We may adopt taller plants/flowers later on ( since we think we may adopt older children from foster care later on). But if you put us all together we are one big beautiful garden. The Smith Garden.

So I keep thinking about this adoption as our seeds of life adoption. These little embyros are tiny ( about the size of seeds or smaller). But they are full of life. They are God's creation. He knows them each by name. We are looking forward to our next adoption and we pray that God will continue to grow our garden.

So long story short, that is why we decided to title this blog "Seeds of Life". We will update this blog with more of the details of this adoption for those of you who are interested.