Another No

We heard back today from Dr. Keenan's office regarding my blood work from yesterday morning. The hcg level dropped to a 4 so we are I am no longer possibly pregnant. In a lot of ways I wish that on tuesday they could have just told me it was negative. On tuesday that is what I was expecting to hear but instead I heard positive. I looked on the internet and talked to some people i knew who said that they too had very low initial hcg levels but that it kept increasing and they had normal pregancies. My hope increased and I found myself actually believing that this time it was going to be different and I would indeed be pregnant. I tried to not get my hopes up too much because I knew that 12 was a very low number and although it was ok for some people for me it wouldn't necesarily turn out all right. But my hopes got up. I even started experiencing what I thought were pregnancy symptoms but maybe that was just wishful thinking ( it's amazing what we which for when we want to be pregnant, what I would have given to have had morning sickness.) I was almost completely convinced by the time i got the call today that it was going to be good news. But it wasn't. I definitely broke down for a while. Getting my hopes up only to be let down was really hard. I felt like some of that peace that I had gathered on monday was lost with the let down that I wasn't really expecting. But regardless it is what it is. And I know that God has not left me. He still has a plan. I don't know what His point of allowing me to have a postive test only to receive a negative test next but He knows and one day I will find out answers to these questions. None of us like pain but it is what allows up to grow. It's so hard to live in this world remembering it is only temporary. I had a pretty rough afternoon but I can already feel the peace coming back in. God does have a plan. God is faithful. God has not changed.

After I had my little breakdown for a while, I heard Raegan waking up from her nap. I went in to her room and I still had some tears on my face and I picked her up and she gave me a kiss and patted my back with her hand. She has no idea why I was crying and she probably doesn't even understand when I am sad but she knew what to do. I am so blessed to have her. She brings me so much joy. It's always amazing to me how joy and sadness can reside so closely together. She is a constant reminder to me of God's love and faithfullness. She is a constant reminder to me that no matter what depth of pain we experience the end result is always worth it. I am confident that one day in the future of our family there will be another little reminder walking around and I again will say " I am so thankful for the pain because without it I wouldn't have you".

So we are moving on to the next steps of our journey. We will be praying about what God wants us to do next. We will probably go back to the NEDC for a 3rd and final try at embryo adoption but we still want to be open to other options as well. I don't want to be so consumed with trying to expand our family that we don't spend time cherishing the family that we are today. I am going to enjoy my time with Raegan. I know I will miss those one on one times with her once other children are brought into our familand be thankful for the many blessings in our lives.