Doctor's Appointment

I had my appointment ( via phone) with Dr. Keenans, the doctor at the NEDC yesterday. I left the call feeling a little bit more discouraged than encouraged. Not for anything the doctor said. He is a very kind and compassionate doctor. I guess I was just hoping that when I talked to him he may have some sort of answer as to why the transfer may not have worked this time. I specifically asked him about the quality/grading of the embryos because in my mind I thought that they weren't a good quality and it made sense that it didn't work. But when I asked him about the quality he actually told me one was excellent and 2 were good to excellent, only the 4th wasn't good. This kind of upset me. It started my mind thinking "well if these embryos were so good and it didn't work than there must be something wrong with me and it probably will never work". I hate how my mind wanders like that. I have been trying to not let my mind wander and let the doubts and worries set in. It works sometimes and other times it doesn't. I guess I am realizing that I am kind of worn out. We have been through a lot and sometimes it hits me and that's when my mind really starts wandering. I think the thought of having to keep going through more processes and procedures is becoming overwhelming. And I really want to be pregnant and to experience pregnancy. I guess that is one reason that I am so worried that this won't work. Basically this process is my last chance at pregnancy. I know some people can't understand why I want to be pregnant so bad but I am realizing that it is a big part of why I want this to work. And of course I don't want this to work just so I can experience pregnancy. We really want more than one child. We really want Raegan to have a sibling. And I have said it before that I wouldn't trade anything we went through if it meant we couldn't have Raegan. It doesn't matter to me that I wasn't pregnant with Raegan. I certainly don't love her any less becuase of that. Even if we could have our own biolgoical child I wouldn't love them any more than Raegan. She is our daughter and God decided to bring her to us through adoption rather than through pregnancy. But I still have that longing to experience pregnancy. I also don't know if i have the energy and strength to go through the adoption process again. But we'll see if it gets to that point. I know God has a plan and He will give us the strength and resources we need to finish our family. I know that, it's still hard though and I think that's ok.

So anyway. We won't be able to go back for a second transfer until July. The May dates are too early for me to get on the schedule of meds/shots. So we will be going sometime between July 14-16. Our 5th anniversary is the 17th so maybe we'll make a little anniversary trip out of it. I was a little disappointed that we couldn't go back in May but I think it will be good. I think a break from medications and shots and time to relax before our second try will be good. I was under a lot of stress the first time so it will be good to try to get rid of some stress, get back into a consistent exercise schedule. I am also quitting my job, not because of the embyro adoption but because I am finding the stress and busyness it creates is not worth the income. But I think giving up my job will releive some of my stress too. I also may try accupuncture which in many studies has improved the outcome in IVF. So basically I think the time to prepare this time will be good. I am hopeful that it will work next time and I am working hard to keep the worries out. Thanks for everyone's prayers!