Where to Go From Here...

I finally got through to the lab who claimed they had the wrong fax number and they would send the results to the right one. When I got the results  a little while ago it was negative like I thought.

I am not sure where we will go from here. I believe that our adoption journey is far from over and I do believe we will have more children in our family one day. We do have one transfer left at the NEDC and we still have 5 remaining embryos. If we decide to go forward with another transfer I am going to seek out some more intensive medical advice regarding the apparent autoimmune response that is going on to try to give the embies the best possible chance at survival. Josh and I will have to discuss and pray about moving forward. Part of me doesn't even want to try this route again for many reasons but if we had given up after 2 transfers the last time we wouldn't have Karis. But I want to make sure we are doing what God wants us to do. I do want to experience pregnancy again. I loved being pregnant. I loved nursing Karis and I would love to have that experience again all the while bringing an "orphan" into our home. But my purpose as a mom is not to be pregnant. Raegan's adoption was every bit as special as Karis' adoption even though I never experienced pregnany with Raegan. My purpose is to bring glory to God, to work to do His will on Earth and to share His love. I believe God's purpose for allowing me to be a mom is to shephard my children's hearts and show them the love of Christ so that one day they may become committed followers and lovers of Jesus. My greatest joy is hearing my children talk about Jesus, want to read their Bibles and pray. One of the the most joyous things and hardest things has been hearing my children pray for a baby ( or in Karis' case she has been praying for 2 babies). It warmed my heart to hear them excited about a baby but it has broken my heart over the last couple of days as they have prayed that prayer and I knew that it was a very real possibility that they would not receive what they were praying for. My prayer now is that I can be a good example to them as I deal with unanswered prayers.

I want to do what God wants me to do. I don't want to keep saying " I want to be pregnant", or " I want another baby" when it is not what God wants me me and for our family. I don't want to be turned off by the financial hurdles of domestic or international adoption or the "risks" of foster care or foster adoption. I want to be walking in God's will. I want to have faith that He will provide all that we need to do the work He is calling us to do. There are so many needs. There are so many children without homes. The pain I am experiencing is nothing compared to the pain of orphans who have never had anyone to love them. So all this to say. I don't know what we are going to do but there are too many needs to not do something. Please pray for us as we strive to walk in God's will. Thank you for your prayers and encouraging as we struggle to accept the "no" that we were given today. I know God has a perfect plan. He has already given me more than I could have ever asked for or imagined. This life is not about what I want but what will I let God accomplish through me. And even in the midst of sadness I am excited to see what God has in store for me and for our family.