Another No

We heard back today from Dr. Keenan's office regarding my blood work from yesterday morning. The hcg level dropped to a 4 so we are I am no longer possibly pregnant. In a lot of ways I wish that on tuesday they could have just told me it was negative. On tuesday that is what I was expecting to hear but instead I heard positive. I looked on the internet and talked to some people i knew who said that they too had very low initial hcg levels but that it kept increasing and they had normal pregancies. My hope increased and I found myself actually believing that this time it was going to be different and I would indeed be pregnant. I tried to not get my hopes up too much because I knew that 12 was a very low number and although it was ok for some people for me it wouldn't necesarily turn out all right. But my hopes got up. I even started experiencing what I thought were pregnancy symptoms but maybe that was just wishful thinking ( it's amazing what we which for when we want to be pregnant, what I would have given to have had morning sickness.) I was almost completely convinced by the time i got the call today that it was going to be good news. But it wasn't. I definitely broke down for a while. Getting my hopes up only to be let down was really hard. I felt like some of that peace that I had gathered on monday was lost with the let down that I wasn't really expecting. But regardless it is what it is. And I know that God has not left me. He still has a plan. I don't know what His point of allowing me to have a postive test only to receive a negative test next but He knows and one day I will find out answers to these questions. None of us like pain but it is what allows up to grow. It's so hard to live in this world remembering it is only temporary. I had a pretty rough afternoon but I can already feel the peace coming back in. God does have a plan. God is faithful. God has not changed.

After I had my little breakdown for a while, I heard Raegan waking up from her nap. I went in to her room and I still had some tears on my face and I picked her up and she gave me a kiss and patted my back with her hand. She has no idea why I was crying and she probably doesn't even understand when I am sad but she knew what to do. I am so blessed to have her. She brings me so much joy. It's always amazing to me how joy and sadness can reside so closely together. She is a constant reminder to me of God's love and faithfullness. She is a constant reminder to me that no matter what depth of pain we experience the end result is always worth it. I am confident that one day in the future of our family there will be another little reminder walking around and I again will say " I am so thankful for the pain because without it I wouldn't have you".

So we are moving on to the next steps of our journey. We will be praying about what God wants us to do next. We will probably go back to the NEDC for a 3rd and final try at embryo adoption but we still want to be open to other options as well. I don't want to be so consumed with trying to expand our family that we don't spend time cherishing the family that we are today. I am going to enjoy my time with Raegan. I know I will miss those one on one times with her once other children are brought into our familand be thankful for the many blessings in our lives.

Possibly Pregnant

I finally got a call back from my nurse at the NEDC this afternoon. Just as an aside Quest Diagnostics does not really take the STAT part of an order seriously. But anyway she had just received the lab results and she said that it was positive but a very low positive. The hcg value was 12 and I am not sure what the number on my progesterone was but she said that was excellent ( it should be with as much as I am having shot into my body twice a day). She said 12 is a low number but that to confirm a pregnancy it is not so much the number but how it is rising. I guess from a little research anything above a 5 is technically considered positive. So I have to go in for another lab draw tomorrow morning. And that result will be the determining factor of if I am to continue on meds,etc. for this cycle. So I have to say it was not what I was expecting. I was anticipating that it would be a no and that I would stop my meds today. But such is not the case at least not yet. So we have a few more days of waiting. We are continuing to pray that God would bless us with a baby. I had been upset for a couple of days as i had posted about in my last post. I was sure it didn't work and I was upset. But we had a really good message at church on sunday and I had some really good time talking to God yesterday and I am amazed at the sense of peace He brought me. A reoccuring theme that has been coming up is how God is my father, my parent. I have been reflecting on that and on how God wants me to treat Him like a parent. As I shared in my last post. I can't always give Raegan what she wants because it's not good for her. As a toddler she has a narrow focus and a narrow ability to understand the plans I have for her as a parent. Why did I ever think it was any different with God and I? It's not. He means it when He says He has a plan for me. Today I am trusting in that fact as He continues to reveal His plans to me and my family. He has never left my side and he never will. Today I am thankful that I am technically still pregnant. I am going to enjoy that for today and wait and see what God brings to me tomorrow.

Test on Monday

I have scheduled my blood test to see if i am still pregnant. It's on monday so it's not too much longer of a wait. I am beginning to feel not so confident that this worked. I feel the same way that I did at this point in the last transfer. I was pretty upset yesterday but I am trying to have peace and rely on God to see us through this process. We won't know anything for sure until monday. And I know no matter what the outcome that God is in control and He does have a perfect plan. I know God doesn't always answer prayers in the way that we think we want but He is our loving father and He knows what is best for our lives. I have a clearer picture of how God views us now that I am a parent. Sometimes Raegan really wants something and she is persistent in asking. Sometimes we give her what she wants and sometimes we have to say "no". We say no not because we are mean parents who don't love her. We say know because it is our job as her parents to watch out for her, protect her and guide her. We say no sometimes because we love her too much not to say no. I don't know why I ever doubt that God loves me or treats me any differntly than I treat my own daughter. In fact God loves me in a way that I can't even fathom and I know He wants the best for me. So as we approach monday I cling to His promises. And I cling to the fact that He loves me more than I could ever know and He has a perfect plan for my life and for our family.

We're Home

We have all made it home safe and sound. Josh and I were making good time yesterday when we were driving so we decided to just drive straight through to my parents house ( we also couldn't stand to be away from Raegan another night!). I was afraid I wouldn't be comfortable in the car and would have to split the trip up but I was able to put a pillow behind me and recline my seat in a way that was rather comfortable so we decided to come all the way back. Raegan was taking a walk with my mom when we pulled up my mom said she recognized the car ( we were driving Josh's car) and started saying " it's da da!". Then she ran over to us to greet us. We couldn't have asked for a better greeting or gift on our anniversary than to get to see our little girl. We drove back home this morning and Raegan took a good nap, as did I after going to the grocery store. We are all glad to be back home. And we really appreciate my parents watching Raegan (and Kona)again. I know she had a great time with them!

We now just continue our wait to see what happens. I haven't had a chance to scan our embies picture yet but i will post it as soon as i do.

New Additions

Josh and I got to meet our little embies today. They thawed 4 and 3 survived and were transferred. They grade the embryos and 2 of them were good and one was considered average ( although the 3rd may end up being good as well but it was thawed later than the others and so it's really hard to give it a grade). The transfer went well and now we just wait. We got a to see a picture of our 3 little embies which we will try to scan and post when we get back home. Right now I am just resting back at the hotel room and praying that at least one of these little embies finds a nice home in my "belly". I was thinking during my time of recovering after the procedure that right now I am already pregnant with triplets. I know that there is a good chance that all won't survive but right now I am carrying 3 little itty bitty lives inside of me. What an amazing thought and honor! We are excited to see what God has planned for us! And we are also anxious to get home to see our beautiful little girl. We are leaving tomorrow and we may break up the trip by staying another night somewhere. Tomorrow is Josh and my's 5th anniversary so we are going to try to take time to celebrate as we make our journey home. But we'll see because we might not be able to stay away from Raegan for a whole day more!

Right now we are beginning the famous " 2 week wait" and I will do my best at being a good mommy to the little lives I am carrying right now. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers!

We're Here

Josh and I made it to knoxville safe and sound. We just got back from eating some dinner and I am getting ready to turn in for the evening so that i am well rested for tomorrow. We left from our house this morning and it took us longer than expected but we ran into some traffic/accidents and rain. Not to mention we took a long lunch break at Macados in Blacksburg ( i can't pass up a chance to stop in blacksburg when we are driving through). But we are down here now and excited about tomorrow. I called to check in with my mom and she said Raegan is having fun up there. She loves being at grandma and pop pops house. She went over to play with her cousin Tyler at his pool and then he came over to have pizza with her and play with Pop Pop's new train garden. I could hear her in the background laughing and babbling. We miss her but we are glad she is having fun and getting to spend time with her grandparents, and cousin.

We are excited about tomorrow. This morning I went for a run before we left and had a chance to kind of pray and reflect. I was reminded that God already knows what is going to happen tomorrow and in the days following. He knows His plan for those tiny embies and also for our family. It is our hope and prayer that tomorrow is the day that out family expands but we also know that no matter what happens God already knows and it's a part of His perfect plan. So we lay down our lives and continue the next step in this journey.

Our appointment is for 11 am tomorrow. I will post sometime tomorrow with details of how everything went. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement!

one week

i can't believe it but we are one week away from receiving our little embies. time certainly has flown by this time ( probably b/c it's summer and summertime always goes fast for me!). we have successfully completed the Lupron shots. I had my second ultrasound today and everything looks good. So next we start the Progesterone shots. I will take Raegan up to my parents house on tuesday for them to watch her while we are gone. And then Josh and I will drive down to knoxville on wednesday for our transfer thursday. I got a call from the NEDC yesterday and our transfer is scheduled for 11 am on thursday. We are getting excited. I think we both feel better about everything this time. I have also been able to exercise a lot more this time around and keep my stress level down b/c i am no longer working. So we hope that it helps my body to be better prepared this time so that a little embie can find a home. We know it's all in God's hands and in all of those moments where i find myself worrying that it won't work again this time I try to refocus back to Him. He has a plan and it is perfect.