A Rough Patch

Well to say it has been a rough couple of days may be an understatement. But I know there are brighter days ahead. On tuesday at about 2:30 in the morning I started breaking out in hives all over my body. They were terribly itchy and we didn't have any Benydryl at the house I tried putting cream all over, taking a cold shower. Nothing helped. And I couldn't fall asleep at all. So at 6 am I left the house to go to Walmart to buy Benydryl and some different creams to try to stop the itch. I then went to the lab for my pregnancy test at 7 am. By this point I am pretty miserable and tired because of the hives but I was actually feeling pretty hopeful about the pregnancy test. Before the hives I was kind of wavering in how I was feeling but I felt all along like there was a pretty good chance that I was pregnant. After the hives broke out I started looking on the internet for anyone who had similar experiences and pretty much everyone who broke out in hives said they believed it was a weird pregnancy symptom. So by the afternoon I pretty much had myself convinced that I was having a reaction to pregnancy hormones. I did go to the doctors in the morning and they referred me to an alleragist and gave me some steroid cream. I got the girls down for a nap ( Karis went to sleep after about an hour of crying for me due to her recent separation anxiety) and I tried to sleep as well after taking 2 Benedryl. The phone rang at about 4 pm and the nurse told me that it was negative. Up until that point I had convinced myself that I could handle it either way but as soon as I hung up the phone I broke down. It was probably a combination of crushed hope mixed with exhaustion and irriatabilty from itching hives. I called Josh and my mom and texted a few people who had been checking in and then I got the girls up. I gave them each of them a fierce hug and kiss and told them how much I loved them. I am so glad that I have 2 beautiful miracles that remind of me of God's love and provision and plan. We had dinner together and then I went to bed early after having a good "cry it out" session with God. Last night I kept taking Benydryl every time I woke up itching but then had a reaction taking that with a lot of water on an empty stomach and found myself with my head over the porceline thrown. Thankfully today my hives are beginning to let up and I got at least a few hours of sleep last night.

Today I am still upset. I thought that this time around getting a no would be easier. I already have 2 beautiful children and I just thought it would be easier but it's not. I still have the same longing in my heart for another child that I had before each of them. I am so thankful that I have them. And if God chooses to not bless us with another child I can firmly say that He has already blessed me more than I could have ever imagined and more than I deserve. But it is still hard. Everytime we go though this I am forced to face loss and loss is never easy. It hurts and there is no other way to put it. But just like I have said before I do trust in God's plan. And I do know that He has a perfect one for our family. Maybe it is God's plan for us to only have 2 children here on earth. Or maybe He has a perfect child waiting for us at a later time. Maybe it will be through another attempt at embryo adoption or maybe it will be a child who needs a home and we adopt them after Raegan and Karis are grown. I don't know His plan and I don't know His reasons but I know His love. I know He doesn't like to see me hurting and not getting what I thought I wanted but I also hear His whisper to me of " Jennifer, just be patient I have a better plan for you". And I have 2 precious reminders that He does.

Part of me wants to be angry. Part of me is utterly exhaused from all that Josh and I have been through. Part of me wants to feel like we have wasted money and time trying for something that didn't work again. But once again when I start to believe these lies. God whispers to me to remind me that all of this wasn't for nothing. That even though I am not pregnant and won't be meeting either of those two embryos here on earth. They are in heaven now. They are with their creator. They are no longer frozen in a freezer. We weren't able to give them life on earth but we were blessed to offer them a way to eternal life. I believe every embryo even being the size of a pin point is a life, created known and loved by God. That is why we do what we do. It is worth it all.

So right now I am going to focus on what God has done and what He has allowed us to be a part of. We are going to enjoy the rest of our summer as a family of 4. We have plans to go to the beach and do some other fun things. And I am going try to take my own advice that I give to Raegan when she wants to complain about not getting something she wants. I am just going to accept the answer and not try to ask why, try not to complain and just say "yes Daddy". Because I know He longs to give me my heart's desires and He does a perfect plan waiting for me and for our family.