Dermagraphic Uticari

I officially have another diagnosis to add to my medical history book. Dermagraphic Uticaria otherwise known as skin writing. I went to an allergist on friday of last week because my hives were still running rampant and this is what he told me I had. He ordered a bunch of lab tests and told me to take Zyrtec once a day before bed. The Zyrtec has definitely helped with the itching but the hives are still coming up. I essentially get hives whereever there is pressure on my skin so if I scratch anywhere lines form where I scrathed. Hives form on my arms if they rub against anything, on my waistline if I am wearing elastic yoga pants. The day before I went to the allergist I came across some things about a progesrone allergy. Apparently some people can become allergic to progesterone and some people who had been through multiple rounds of IVF reported they had hives develop too so this was pretty concerning to me because essentially it would mean that I wouldn't be able to go through another transfer. After meeting with my allergist he said he didn't think it was from anything environmental like food, detergent,etc. And when I asked him he said he really didn't think it was from progesterone either. I came home and did some more research this time using the specfic medical term for my hives and came up with some different things than I had before. Apparently people my age can just develop this condition which a lot of times becomes chronic ( great). Sometimes it is triggered by something but it is more of an autoimmune disorder. Many people reported the only thing that helped it go away was going on a gluten free diet. This was interesting because I was already considering going gluten free. I have read a lot about infertility/misscariage that occurs when someone has a gluten intolrance and doesn't know it. Gluten intolerance also causes other symptoms including fatique which is something I have struggled with for a long time. So I pretty much decided right away to try a gluten free diet for a while and see how I feel. I started this on sunday. I also read excerpts from a few artciles that specifically linked this type of hives to progesertone in cottonseed oil which is what I have been on for all 4 of our transfers. I can't help but wonder if this reaction is part or all of the reason for the implanation failure that occured this time and possibly the other 2 times our transfers failed to implant.  I know I didn't break out in hives but my body could still have been reacting. Or after being pregnant with Karis maybe my body is now reacting differently. But regardless I think if my body was trying to fight off something (which is what is occuring during an allergic reaction) I would think it would also try to fight off the embies which were trying to implant. But anyway. I have a phone appointment with Dr Keenan on monday and will hopefully have some answers. I am praying that he will let me go through another transfer with a different protocol but we'll see what he has to say. It's been a tough week but I am confident there are brighter days ahead.

A Rough Patch

Well to say it has been a rough couple of days may be an understatement. But I know there are brighter days ahead. On tuesday at about 2:30 in the morning I started breaking out in hives all over my body. They were terribly itchy and we didn't have any Benydryl at the house I tried putting cream all over, taking a cold shower. Nothing helped. And I couldn't fall asleep at all. So at 6 am I left the house to go to Walmart to buy Benydryl and some different creams to try to stop the itch. I then went to the lab for my pregnancy test at 7 am. By this point I am pretty miserable and tired because of the hives but I was actually feeling pretty hopeful about the pregnancy test. Before the hives I was kind of wavering in how I was feeling but I felt all along like there was a pretty good chance that I was pregnant. After the hives broke out I started looking on the internet for anyone who had similar experiences and pretty much everyone who broke out in hives said they believed it was a weird pregnancy symptom. So by the afternoon I pretty much had myself convinced that I was having a reaction to pregnancy hormones. I did go to the doctors in the morning and they referred me to an alleragist and gave me some steroid cream. I got the girls down for a nap ( Karis went to sleep after about an hour of crying for me due to her recent separation anxiety) and I tried to sleep as well after taking 2 Benedryl. The phone rang at about 4 pm and the nurse told me that it was negative. Up until that point I had convinced myself that I could handle it either way but as soon as I hung up the phone I broke down. It was probably a combination of crushed hope mixed with exhaustion and irriatabilty from itching hives. I called Josh and my mom and texted a few people who had been checking in and then I got the girls up. I gave them each of them a fierce hug and kiss and told them how much I loved them. I am so glad that I have 2 beautiful miracles that remind of me of God's love and provision and plan. We had dinner together and then I went to bed early after having a good "cry it out" session with God. Last night I kept taking Benydryl every time I woke up itching but then had a reaction taking that with a lot of water on an empty stomach and found myself with my head over the porceline thrown. Thankfully today my hives are beginning to let up and I got at least a few hours of sleep last night.

Today I am still upset. I thought that this time around getting a no would be easier. I already have 2 beautiful children and I just thought it would be easier but it's not. I still have the same longing in my heart for another child that I had before each of them. I am so thankful that I have them. And if God chooses to not bless us with another child I can firmly say that He has already blessed me more than I could have ever imagined and more than I deserve. But it is still hard. Everytime we go though this I am forced to face loss and loss is never easy. It hurts and there is no other way to put it. But just like I have said before I do trust in God's plan. And I do know that He has a perfect one for our family. Maybe it is God's plan for us to only have 2 children here on earth. Or maybe He has a perfect child waiting for us at a later time. Maybe it will be through another attempt at embryo adoption or maybe it will be a child who needs a home and we adopt them after Raegan and Karis are grown. I don't know His plan and I don't know His reasons but I know His love. I know He doesn't like to see me hurting and not getting what I thought I wanted but I also hear His whisper to me of " Jennifer, just be patient I have a better plan for you". And I have 2 precious reminders that He does.

Part of me wants to be angry. Part of me is utterly exhaused from all that Josh and I have been through. Part of me wants to feel like we have wasted money and time trying for something that didn't work again. But once again when I start to believe these lies. God whispers to me to remind me that all of this wasn't for nothing. That even though I am not pregnant and won't be meeting either of those two embryos here on earth. They are in heaven now. They are with their creator. They are no longer frozen in a freezer. We weren't able to give them life on earth but we were blessed to offer them a way to eternal life. I believe every embryo even being the size of a pin point is a life, created known and loved by God. That is why we do what we do. It is worth it all.

So right now I am going to focus on what God has done and what He has allowed us to be a part of. We are going to enjoy the rest of our summer as a family of 4. We have plans to go to the beach and do some other fun things. And I am going try to take my own advice that I give to Raegan when she wants to complain about not getting something she wants. I am just going to accept the answer and not try to ask why, try not to complain and just say "yes Daddy". Because I know He longs to give me my heart's desires and He does a perfect plan waiting for me and for our family.

We're Home!

Sorry about the lapse in blogging but I was too tired after the transfer to get on the computer ( I took 2 valium this time and it knocked me out!). And I tried to rest as much as possible. We also went to my brother's house for a few days after we left Tennessee and just got back last night. But as for the transfer. It went really well. They thawed two embryos and both of them survived! They were graded as expanding AB 5 day blastocysts which means their quality was very good ( with Karis' transfer one embie was AA and one was AB). I won't go into the details of the transfer but it was pretty much the same as the past 4 transfers so I knew what to expect. Dr Keenan said everything went great. I will post a picture of our embies when I get a chance. Now it's just the waiting game. I have my first beta ( blood pregnancy test) on July 25th if it's postive I will go back on July 27th to make sure my hcg levels are at least doubling. Thanks for all of the prayers! I am feeling hopeful at this point and trying to maintain patience and peace as we wait to find out God's plan for our family.

We're Here!

I intended (once again) to post more regular updates but life with two beautiful kiddos has kept me busy. I have also been really busy at work and trying to prepare for our trip. But everything went well with my ultrasound monitoring and bloodwork so we were cleared to come for our emrbyo transfer. We dropped the girls and my mom off at my brother's house in north carolina yesterday so they could spend time with their cousins and then Josh and I headed to Knoxville today. We went out for our anniversary ( which is tomorrow) tonight and now we are back at the hotel. We have an appointment for our transfer tomorrow at 10:15 in the morning. And we are really excited to "meet" our embies! I am feeling very hopeful. I will try to post tomorrow after the transfer. I will be on bed rest for 24 hours after the transfer and then we will head back to NC!

2 Weeks

Today we are exactly 2 weeks away from our embryo transfer! I am really excited to go down for our transfer. And I am feeling hopeful. I am really hoping and praying that this transfer works. I do have fears creep in that it won't work but overall I am very hopeful that it will. I am really excited to go and "meet" our embies. I am so thankful that we have had the opprotunity to rescue embies from their frozen orphanage ( as many call it). We have had 8 embies who have been transferred but ultimately ended up in heaven. We would have loved for them all to have been able to experience life on earth but God had a different plan for them and He had a perfect plan to grow our one little embie into the perfect little girl who joined our family almost 2 years ago. It is so amazing to think that Karis was at one point frozen in a freezer and we were blessed to receive her, carry her and now have her in our famly. I am so thankful that God created adoption and that He has allowed us to experience it. I can't wait to experience it again!

So for an update for my treatment. I have been taking Lupron injections since June 26th. Last week I started taking Estrace which is being tapered up. On July 13th I will have an ultrasound and bloodwork and then will be starting Progesterone injections ( the big ones!). I have also been going to accupuncture for the last 2 weeks to help prepare my body for the transfer ( I did accupuncture before Karis' transfer as well). So we are excited as we prepare for our transfer. Two weeks from today we will be starting our two week wait that will tell us if our family will be growing!