Ups and Downs

So my blood test is thursday morning but just like every other transfer I think I know the answer now. For the first few days after the transfer I was feeling very optimistic. It seemed like things were going to way I remember them going with Karis' transfer ( although since I have been through 6 transfers now they probably have started to all blur together). I was having some symptoms that I only remember having when I was pregnant. But being on a medicated cycle is tricky because pretty much all of the meds I am on are the same ones that cause pregnancy symptoms so it is really hard to rely on symptoms. On monday morning when I woke up though I had this feeling like " I am not pregnant anymore". I have had those before and they were always right. I don't know how to explain it other than maybe it's a mommy's instinct when she realizes that her children are no longer with her. Maybe it was just God giving me a heads up. Or maybe it's just my mind making things up. I don't know but yesterday was kind of an emotional roller coaster. I ended up staying home from work with the kids because we got an unexpected snow storm. We had fun playing in the snow and I got caught up on a little housework since I had been trying to take it easy. Then at nap time I was folding some clothes and I just started crying. I think the reality hit me that there is a chance, maybe even a good chance that this did not result in pregnancy. Ever since I became pregnant with Karis I assumed that I could and probably would get pregant again. I should have guarded my emotions more but I didn't. And so now the reality has set in that I there is a good chance that my pregnancy and nursing experience with Karis was my first and my last. That's a tough pill to swallow considering I had so much hope after having Karis. But it's also ok. Up and down. By the time the evening came I was feeling better. I didn't even tell Josh that I had been upset because I didn't want to upset him especially if my "inclination" about not being pregant wasn't accurate. I have said it before and I will say it again. I wouldn't change anything. The pain even the pain I am having now as I long for another baby is worth it because it is all a part of a journey. Parents can't always give their children what they want. I wish that I wasn't a 33 year old child still trying to learn that lesson from my heavenly Father. But pain is a way to teach us and to direct us where we need to go. God has blessed me so much. I held a beautiful baby girl in my arms almost exactly 9 months after the day Josh and I were delivered our infertility diagnosis. I was "pregnant" and I didn't even know it. Praise God. I held another beautiful baby girl in my arms 2 1/2 years later who was born after nine months of a pregnancy that I longed to experience. I nursed her for another 13 months after that. And that experience allowed me to not only experience pregnancy with her but it allowed me to imagine what it would have felt like to have carried my first daughter too. I was "pregnant" with her for nine months and even got to stay with her in the hospital and be wheeled out of the hospital with her. The only thing I missed was knowing what it would have felt like to have been able to carry her and after being pregnant I was able to understand that too. I know I have mentioned these things often before but I can't stop praising God for what He has done. He has taken pain and allowed it for good. He has directed my path and He has led me where I needed to go. I can't imagine life without these precious children. They bring me so much joy. If they are the only children that God chooses to bless me with than I trust in that plan and I acknowledge that by giving me them He has given me so much more than I could ever deserve. So I will continue to trust and continue to praise Him. I know like any parent He doesn't expect me not to be sad when things don't go how I want. He is ready to be my comfort. He knows my tears and He knows my joy. So I will continue to trust. And even if this transfer didn't result in pregnancy, it doesn't mean that it wasn't successful. We adopted 3 beautiful itty bitty babies and if they are indeed not growing in me than they are experiencing life in Heaven. Their lives have been redeemed and that is what adoption is all about. This afternoon I started getting hives again. They are not bad but I am also on prednisone to try to prevent them so it's hard to say if they would be bad without being on that. It's not over yet but I don't think it's a good sign. Only God knows for sure so we will just wait and see.