A Little Pregnant

I got my lab results late this afternoon after many follow up calls to the lab. I thought for sure the nurse would tell me it was negative but she said it was mixed news. I had heard this before from the transfer before Karis' transfer. The beta hcg level was above 5 so technically I am pregnant but it was 13 which is very low. They like it to be above 50 at this point. This happened before and it ended up being a chemical pregnancy. When I looked up chemical pregnancy before I thought I remembered reading that it was just chemicals/hormones tricking your body into being pregnant but when I looked it up again tonight I discovered that a chemical pregnancy is just another name for a very early miscarriage. The odds are that this pregnancy won't continue to progress and my hcg levels will go down. But there is still a sliver of hope left. Maybe just maybe there is a baby trying to fight and hang on. I know the odds are stacked against me but I believe in God and therefore I believe in miracles. I will go back on monday for another lab test and they want to see the beta hcg numbers at least doubling within 48 hours. Right now I am just thankful that there is at least some hope left. I am going to enjoy being pregnant even if it's just for a few more days. And if it's negative on monday at least I will have had a few extra days to say good bye. Please join me in praying for a miracle.

Ups and Downs

So my blood test is thursday morning but just like every other transfer I think I know the answer now. For the first few days after the transfer I was feeling very optimistic. It seemed like things were going to way I remember them going with Karis' transfer ( although since I have been through 6 transfers now they probably have started to all blur together). I was having some symptoms that I only remember having when I was pregnant. But being on a medicated cycle is tricky because pretty much all of the meds I am on are the same ones that cause pregnancy symptoms so it is really hard to rely on symptoms. On monday morning when I woke up though I had this feeling like " I am not pregnant anymore". I have had those before and they were always right. I don't know how to explain it other than maybe it's a mommy's instinct when she realizes that her children are no longer with her. Maybe it was just God giving me a heads up. Or maybe it's just my mind making things up. I don't know but yesterday was kind of an emotional roller coaster. I ended up staying home from work with the kids because we got an unexpected snow storm. We had fun playing in the snow and I got caught up on a little housework since I had been trying to take it easy. Then at nap time I was folding some clothes and I just started crying. I think the reality hit me that there is a chance, maybe even a good chance that this did not result in pregnancy. Ever since I became pregnant with Karis I assumed that I could and probably would get pregant again. I should have guarded my emotions more but I didn't. And so now the reality has set in that I there is a good chance that my pregnancy and nursing experience with Karis was my first and my last. That's a tough pill to swallow considering I had so much hope after having Karis. But it's also ok. Up and down. By the time the evening came I was feeling better. I didn't even tell Josh that I had been upset because I didn't want to upset him especially if my "inclination" about not being pregant wasn't accurate. I have said it before and I will say it again. I wouldn't change anything. The pain even the pain I am having now as I long for another baby is worth it because it is all a part of a journey. Parents can't always give their children what they want. I wish that I wasn't a 33 year old child still trying to learn that lesson from my heavenly Father. But pain is a way to teach us and to direct us where we need to go. God has blessed me so much. I held a beautiful baby girl in my arms almost exactly 9 months after the day Josh and I were delivered our infertility diagnosis. I was "pregnant" and I didn't even know it. Praise God. I held another beautiful baby girl in my arms 2 1/2 years later who was born after nine months of a pregnancy that I longed to experience. I nursed her for another 13 months after that. And that experience allowed me to not only experience pregnancy with her but it allowed me to imagine what it would have felt like to have carried my first daughter too. I was "pregnant" with her for nine months and even got to stay with her in the hospital and be wheeled out of the hospital with her. The only thing I missed was knowing what it would have felt like to have been able to carry her and after being pregnant I was able to understand that too. I know I have mentioned these things often before but I can't stop praising God for what He has done. He has taken pain and allowed it for good. He has directed my path and He has led me where I needed to go. I can't imagine life without these precious children. They bring me so much joy. If they are the only children that God chooses to bless me with than I trust in that plan and I acknowledge that by giving me them He has given me so much more than I could ever deserve. So I will continue to trust and continue to praise Him. I know like any parent He doesn't expect me not to be sad when things don't go how I want. He is ready to be my comfort. He knows my tears and He knows my joy. So I will continue to trust. And even if this transfer didn't result in pregnancy, it doesn't mean that it wasn't successful. We adopted 3 beautiful itty bitty babies and if they are indeed not growing in me than they are experiencing life in Heaven. Their lives have been redeemed and that is what adoption is all about. This afternoon I started getting hives again. They are not bad but I am also on prednisone to try to prevent them so it's hard to say if they would be bad without being on that. It's not over yet but I don't think it's a good sign. Only God knows for sure so we will just wait and see.

Home Sweet Home

Josh and I are back home in Maryland now. We arrived home last night in time to pick up the girls and put them to bed after giving them their "prizes" for getting good reports from Grandma and Pop Pop. This was a long trip for us as at the last minute we decided to head down to TN on sunday afternoon instead or our planned monday morning due to bad weather they were calling for. We still hit some snow and heavy rain but we were able to split our drive down into two days and we arrived in Knoxville a lot earlier than we had in the past so we had some extra time to unwind and relax and spend time together which is always nice. The transfer was tuesday morning and Dr Keenan felt the transfer went much better this time. They transferred 3 embies this time. One was graded very good and the other two were graded fair ( and one of those had already hatched). There is some belief that the grading is indicative of success but we have had 6 transfers now and most of them had highly graded embryos so I am not putting too much into that. Some people say a embryo that hatches on it's own is a good sign because it's ready to implant but again I am just going to put my trust in the One who created these precious lives. So now it's just time to wait and see. My first beta pregnancy test will be on March 28th so hopefully in a week we will know the outcome. At this point I would have to say that I have peace. I long for at least one of those embies to join our family here on earth and as I have mentioned often I really have the desire to be pregnant again. But I have been praying for peace and I know others have been praying for peace and I can honestly say at this point I have peace. I know God has a special plan for our family. I am believing in big things. If I had to say at this point if I thought the transfer will result in pregnancy I would say yes. I have the same peace I felt when we were facing our third transfer when we received Karis. But I am not going to go on feelings. I am just going to keep trusting, and believing and praying.

Believeing God for Big Things

We made it to Knoxville safely even though we had to leave a day early because of bad weather. And in about an hour we will be meeting our precious babies.We are believing God for big things.What we see as impossible God can and will make possible.He is with us and working thro gh us and in us. I am going to have faith. He has promised to work all things for good. He loves me more than I can comprehend and He will care for me. Today we get to witness life being redeemed through adoption. What a beautiful thing to experience. Our prayer is that today our family here on earth will grow and we are believing God for that miracle and bledsing.

Less Than Two Weeks

I have been a horrible, horrible blogger lately. After the last transfer we headed into the holidays which kept us busy ( probably a good thing) and then on New Years Eve we started renovating our kitchen. It has been nice seeing our new kitchen come together but it has been no easy task trying to do all of the work ourselves on a very tight budget with 2 small children in the house. Not to mention I was sick at least 3 times in the first month of the renovation. So anyway it has been busy around here ( and the kitchen isn't quite done yet). But in less than two weeks Josh and I will be traveling down to Knoxville for our third and final embryo adoption transfer. I have been doing pretty good going into this transfer. Although I am finding the anxious feelings starting to set in. I keep praying that God will give me/us complete peace as we head into this transfer and then into the waiting and results. I really feel like our family is not complete and I would just really love to be pregnant again. I feel like embryo adoption is such a good fit for us because not only does it allow us to adopt but it allows me to experience pregnancy. I don't know why in my heart I long for another pregnancy but I do. Ultimately I know that God is in control and He has a perfect plan. He has already blessed us and I know that even though it will be devasting if this transfer doesn't result in pregnancy, we will be ok and will move on to God's next steps for us. I have had some people ask what our plan is if this transfer doesn't result in pregnancy. The answer is we really don't know. I think we will move onto another type of adoption but I am not sure what the timing will look like. We won't be able to afford a domestic or international adoption for a long, long time. But we trust that God will take care of the details. Right now we are hoping and believing for another miracle on March 19th. And we'll go from there. My medication protocol is basically the same except that I will be taking a low dose steroid along with my other medications. The idea behind the steroids is to slightly lower my immune function to attempt to avoid any potential autoimmune response. My doctor at the NEDC and another specialist that I saw both said they don't see any reason to believe I am having autoimmune reactions but I think something was going on given the fact that I broke out in hives of autoimmune nature after the first two transfers. So I feel good about trying a change in the protocol.  I probably won't blog before the transfer again unless something comes to mind but I will try to update once we get to Knoxville.