Walk By Faith

Today in church we sang a song that really spoke to me. I have heard this song many times before but today the words kind of hit me in a different way. It talks about walking by faith when we cannot see. It reminded me that this journey is not about me. I know that but often times i forget. My life is about glorifying God. It is about letting Him lead me on this journey through life. This life on earth is nothing compared to the life He has promised that I will have with Him. This life on earth is not about me, it's about Him. Life sometimes may happen the way I want it to and sometimes it won't. I don't think God expects us to just accept everything without feeling pain. But He does want us to trust in Him and rest in Him. He wants us to get our strength from Him and not try to do everything on our own. Today it was a good reminder of what my faith and my life is supposed to mean. We will continue on this journey and allow God to reveal His plan for us. Here are the words to the song from today.

Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya
well i will walk by faitheven when i cannot see
because this broken road prepares your will for me
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me

Dear President Obama, Please Do Some Research

I have really tried to give our new President a chance. I know there are a lot of people who really like him but I don't think it's any secret to anyone that knows me that I am not one of them. Some things he has said and done both before getting into office and now that he is in office have really hit me where it hurts. As someone who can't have children, his comment of " i don't want my daughters punished with a baby" and now as someone who is trying to become a mom to "orphaned" embyros through embyro adoption, his latest step of funding emryonic stem cell research has quite frankly made me quite mad. It makes me mad on a couple of levels, one being obvious, that he is disregarding embyros as being life. Last time I checked we all started out as embryos. But on a more practical level it makes me mad because I believe this step in overturning the funding of embyronic stem cell research was completely a political move. There is much more promise in adult stem cell research. Of course i want people with parkinsons and other diseases to be cured. But I don't want the cure to come at the cost of human life. And there are so many more breakthroughs with adult stem cell resaerch that the debate should not be going on anymore and embyronic stem cell research should certainly not be receiving my tax money! All the president had to do was a quick search on google and he would have seen that there is no need for the funding and we shouldn't be doing it anyway if it is going to cost human life. But apparently winning votes was more important to him than regard for human life in the earliest stages.

Recently Dr Oz shockingly told Oprah ( big Obama supporter) and Michael J. Fox ( big embyronic stem cell research advocate) about that the stem cell debate is dead becuase the promise definitely lies with adult stem cells. I hope President Obama was watching that day too. Here is the link if you are interested...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDFJOzu9SyM&feature=related

Doctor's Appointment

I had my appointment ( via phone) with Dr. Keenans, the doctor at the NEDC yesterday. I left the call feeling a little bit more discouraged than encouraged. Not for anything the doctor said. He is a very kind and compassionate doctor. I guess I was just hoping that when I talked to him he may have some sort of answer as to why the transfer may not have worked this time. I specifically asked him about the quality/grading of the embryos because in my mind I thought that they weren't a good quality and it made sense that it didn't work. But when I asked him about the quality he actually told me one was excellent and 2 were good to excellent, only the 4th wasn't good. This kind of upset me. It started my mind thinking "well if these embryos were so good and it didn't work than there must be something wrong with me and it probably will never work". I hate how my mind wanders like that. I have been trying to not let my mind wander and let the doubts and worries set in. It works sometimes and other times it doesn't. I guess I am realizing that I am kind of worn out. We have been through a lot and sometimes it hits me and that's when my mind really starts wandering. I think the thought of having to keep going through more processes and procedures is becoming overwhelming. And I really want to be pregnant and to experience pregnancy. I guess that is one reason that I am so worried that this won't work. Basically this process is my last chance at pregnancy. I know some people can't understand why I want to be pregnant so bad but I am realizing that it is a big part of why I want this to work. And of course I don't want this to work just so I can experience pregnancy. We really want more than one child. We really want Raegan to have a sibling. And I have said it before that I wouldn't trade anything we went through if it meant we couldn't have Raegan. It doesn't matter to me that I wasn't pregnant with Raegan. I certainly don't love her any less becuase of that. Even if we could have our own biolgoical child I wouldn't love them any more than Raegan. She is our daughter and God decided to bring her to us through adoption rather than through pregnancy. But I still have that longing to experience pregnancy. I also don't know if i have the energy and strength to go through the adoption process again. But we'll see if it gets to that point. I know God has a plan and He will give us the strength and resources we need to finish our family. I know that, it's still hard though and I think that's ok.

So anyway. We won't be able to go back for a second transfer until July. The May dates are too early for me to get on the schedule of meds/shots. So we will be going sometime between July 14-16. Our 5th anniversary is the 17th so maybe we'll make a little anniversary trip out of it. I was a little disappointed that we couldn't go back in May but I think it will be good. I think a break from medications and shots and time to relax before our second try will be good. I was under a lot of stress the first time so it will be good to try to get rid of some stress, get back into a consistent exercise schedule. I am also quitting my job, not because of the embyro adoption but because I am finding the stress and busyness it creates is not worth the income. But I think giving up my job will releive some of my stress too. I also may try accupuncture which in many studies has improved the outcome in IVF. So basically I think the time to prepare this time will be good. I am hopeful that it will work next time and I am working hard to keep the worries out. Thanks for everyone's prayers!

Not This Time

I was right in my last post. I got a call from the IVF nurse telling me that my test from yesterday was negative so no need to get the test done tomorrow. Even though I had prepared myself for it to be negative, it was still disappointing. I don't think God expects us to not be disappointed when things don't go the way we plan, He just wants us to rely on Him and trust in His bigger plan and that is what I am trying to do. My fleshly instinct wants to jump in and say " all of what I went through for nothing" but my spirit knows that it wasn't "nothing". This was all part of God's plan. He knew those 4 tiny lives even before they were "conceived" and He knew that He would call them home. He knew it wasn't time for Josh and I to expand our family and He still knows who are second child is. I know we will most likely go through this process again. I have a meeting next thursday with the doctor to discuss where we will go from here. Part of me is upset because I was hoping that this would work out easily. I just feel like we have been through so much physically and emotionally that I was hoping that this would be "easier" and work out the first time. But I know that "easier" doesn't mean " better" and God has the best in store for us. So we will move on and wait to see what the next step is for our family. We feel honored to have been able to have these 4 little lives placed in our care for a brief time and have comfort knowing they are in a much better place now. And we pray that the other couples that were down there at the same time as us received good news today and for those that didn't that they receive comfort and peace. I am so thankful that after receiving that call at work that I was able to leave a couple hours later and see my curly headed little girl holding her arms up and excited to see me. I know this would be much, much harder if we didn't already have her in our lives. I pray for those couples who are longing to hold their first child.

Test Day

Today is my blood test day and I feel like I am going to fail this test. I don't really know why I just have a feeling that I am not pregnant. I don't feel any different other than I feel like my normal cycle is going to come, it's just being delayed by the Progesterone. I decided not to do a home test because I have read a lot of places that with fertility treatments a lot of time the home tests don't read correctly. I have also read places where women took home tests the same day as their blood tests and got negative and then got a postive blood test. So we'll see what happens today and wednesday. For some reason i just don't have a good feeling about it. I think sometimes as woman we just know. But maybe my "knowing" is wrong. We'll see. But regardless I feel like God has been teaching me a lot again through this. It hasn't been easy just as the first time of learning about infertility and going through domestic adoption process. But back then what I thought I wanted and was so upset to not have really turned out not to be what I wanted at all. If I had gotten what I thought I had wanted, I wouldn't have Raegan and like I have said so many times before I can't imagine my life without her. It's no different know. I am happy and blessed to be on this journey. It's not always easy when we find out that we are not going to get what we want ( or think we want) but the awesome thing is knowing that even through sadness and disappionment God is with us, He has gone before us and He knows what we want if we tell Him but He always gives us what we need. So I am sure if there is a negative today we will feel disappointment but all we need to do is look at the curly headed beautiful little girl running around our house and we have all the reminder that we need that God is in control and loves us more than we can ever understand.