Monday, April 1, 2013
Josh and I found out today that none of our three babies survived. My beta hcg dropped from 13 to 9 so that means that I had a chemical pregnancy. It is bittersweet because of course Josh and I are grieving their loss but at the same time we can rejoice because we know that they are in heaven and they are free. I have come to learn that the hardest part of parenting is letting go. Children are never belong to us, they belong to God and it's hard to fathom but His love for the children that He chooses to give us is so much greater than the love that we will ever have for them. I can't imagine anyone loving my children more than me but He does. He created all of us and He knows us and loves us more intimately than anyone else can. So in this moment of grief I take comfort in the fact that God loves these little lives and although His plan was different for them than mine was I am choosing to let them go and trust Him. I don't understand His ways but I am making the choice to trust in them. We have had 6 embryo transfer over the course of 4 years. God has blessed us with one beautiful daughter through embryo adoption and we have had the privilidge of rescueing 15 embryos who are now in heaven. I don't know what heaven will be like but I rest in the fact that all of those little lives are there. I would best describe what I am feeling right now as being homesick. I used to get homesick a lot when I was a child. Even though I would be in a fun place and was supposed to be having a fun time I would get homesick for my family and would want to be home. That is how I feel now. I feel like even though I am blessed with a wonderful family who fills my days with laughter I feel like a part of me is missing. Each time we have gone though a transfer that resulted in loss I feel like I have lost a little piece of me. I think all of us feel homesick when we experience pain on earth because it is a reminder to us that this is not our home. We are broken people living in a broken world. And things will never be completely right until the day that we reach our final Home. But like the homesickness I felt as a child this homesickness will faid. I can't go very far into sadness without recognizing how truly blessed I am. And when I am able to see the blessings it makes the hurt fade. These hurts and disappointments that I have experienced will always be with me. They are a part of me and they are a part of the journey that I am on. God has used pain and trials and disappointment and loss to help lead me on a journey. God has always used my pain and turned it into joy and I choose to trust that He will do the same with the pain I am experiencing now. God lets no tear be wasted. I don't know what His plan is but I know He has one. I don't regret going through embryo adoption again only to experience loss. Some people may view it as a waste of time and effort and money because at the end were not holding a baby. But in my view it was worth it. We have a beautiful daughter who is full of life and Raegan has a little sister because of embryo adoption and 15 little lives are free from life in a freezer and are experiencing eternal life because of embryo adoption. That doesn't sound like loss to me. And as the saying goes it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I am sad that we lost 15 embryos but I am glad that I got the chance to love them. I am not really sure where this adoption journey is going to take us. Josh and I have talked a bit and feel like it would be best if we took a break from adoption for a while. It has been emotionally, physically and financially taxing and we don't want to rush into anything. We have both agreed that we need to take some time to rest and be still and see where God leads us. I think we will take some time to just focus on our little girls. I don't want to always be so caught up in adopting the next child(ren) that we lose precious moments with the two that God has already chosen to bless us with. But I hope that we will adopt again. I don't know God's ways. Maybe one day I will get an answer. Maybe God was protecting me from harm that pregnancy could have brought. Maybe God doesn't plan for us to have anymore children. Or maybe God was saving room in our hearts and in our home for a child or children who truly are homesick. There are hundreds of thousands of children that are homesick for a home and for a family. Maybe we are the family that one ( or more) of those children is waiting for. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement. I am truly blessed by the support we have received.