November 15th

I apologize for not keeping this blog ( or our other one for that matter) updated very well. I have a lot of thoughts that I could and should blog but life is busy with two little girls, work, church activities and volunteering, and the list goes on. But anyway here I am, back again to update! We got our transfer date and protocol at the end of last week. We will be going for our transfer on November 15th. The protocol is mostly the same as it has been but they did switch the type of oil for my progesterone shots based on the fact that my hives may have been caused or related to the combination of progesterone mixed with cottonseed oil. I will also take an antibiotic for a few days leading up to the transfer. I had requested to try this with Karis' transfer so Dr. Keenan said he would be fine with me trying that again. I also have been continuing a gluten free diet and have been doing enzyme therapy. I want to do whatever I can to help prepare my body for these embies so that hopefully at least one of them will be able to grow and expereince life here on earth with our family.

The past months since the transfer have been a good time of reflection for me. One thing that I have realized is that it doesn't get any easier. Every failed adoption attempt is hard. Everytime we have a transfer that didn't work out I had embryos inside of me that left for heaven. That is hard and I think sometimes I try to convince myself that it shouldn't be hard. But it is. We have experienced a lot of loss and with loss comes grieving. I think sometimes I try to skip over the grieving part but I am finding that it is important to grieve our losses. And I think that what is even harder is feeling like I am alone because no one truly knows what I am feeling. Even Josh admits that he doesn't feel the same way. He loves being a dad and he is a GREAT dad but he just doesn't feel the same emotions that I do in this process. He wants more children just as much as I do but He is able to remain more guarded to his emotions than I am. I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it's natural. God created women to be moms and He gave us different emotions, different protective instincts than He gave men. But the result is that women often feel alone through infertility and/or adoption because no one knows completely how they are feeling. I have recently found some other embryo adoption blogs that others are writing as they are on similar journeys and it is somewhat comforting to see that other people do have similar feelings to me. I was looking back at this blog at some old posts particularly the posts right before and right after Karis' transfer. I have realized that the same feelings I was feeling then have come flooding back to me. In that post I wrote similar feelings about the pain creeping back after I thought it was gone. And low and behold that is what I am feeling again. Since this transfer is in November just like Karis' transfer was I am finding that even the weather is bringing back feelings and memories. I wish that the pain would leave. I pray every day that the pain will leave and that I can be content with the two beautiful children that God has already blessed me with. But as much as I try and as much as I pray the pain hasn't left. I think there is a reason for that. I don't think our family is done growing. I believe that God has a plan for our family to grow. If He took the pain away then I wouldn't have the drive and determination to continue down this path once again. In many ways life would be so much easier if we were to just stop. Adoption is expensive, time consuming, emotional, even heart wrenching at times. Sometimes I want to give up. Life would be so much "easier" if I just gave up. But I can't imagine if at the beginning of this journey for Josh and I if I decided to just give up. Or after we had Raegan if I after the first or second unsuccessful embryo transfers I just gave up. I can't fathom my life without these two miracles. I am so glad that I didn't ever give up even when in many ways it would have been "easier".  I truly believe that God made me a determined and driven person for a reason. It may have driven my parents crazy while they were raising me and it probably still drives my husband crazy but God did have a purpose for how He made me. I am a mama bird and there are baby birds missing from my nest. I am determined to find them, to reach them and to bring them home. Sometimes I try to convince myself to just give up and move on. But I can't. As hard as I try I can't. So as we approach our next transfer I am realizing that it doesn't get any easier. The pain is just as real. But I am also realizing that in my heart I believe that God has a reason for the pain just like He has in the past. He has a perfect plan and purpose and He is holding me and carrying me as I continue on this journey.