Update on our Embies

We heard back from the NEDC and we didn't get the embies that we had put down as our first choice. Someone else had chosen them first. But we did get our second and third choices. Our second choice are from a couple from North Carolina ( another favorite state of ours) and there are 4 blastocyst embies. We shouldn't need to go to our 3rd choice embies but they are from Pennsylvania. We are excited to meet our little embies on November 19th. And we are glad that we know which ones we will receive so we can begin to specifically pray for them. We pray for all of these little embies and our thankful that they will get a chance at life!

Coming Up

Our third and final embryo transfer is coming up. It was quiet there for a while after our second transfer. There is not much to do except move on. We enjoyed our summer and now things are picking up again. We were given a date of November 19th for our third transfer. And we were able to make our choices for our embyros on friday. We are waiting to hear back to see if we were given our first choice. But our first choice is a couple from Virginia. They have 5 blastocyst embryos and they are both on the younger side. So we will find out shortly if those will be our embies. I will begin my protocol in a couple of weeks. It's hard to believe it's already time for all of this again. I think we are really hopeful that this third and final transfer will work for us this time. But I think we are just also ready to find out if it doesn't work so that we can move on and see where God takes us next on this journey. I have had some time to reflect lately and I won't go into it now but I although at times feel anxious about everything, have really felt that I have come to a place where I feel peace. I'll post more once we know more!

Talk with Dr.Keenan

Today I had my phone appointment with Dr. Keenan from the NEDC. He is really such a nice doctor, so very compassionate. This appointment went much like the last appointment. He said he was very sorry it didn't work and that he doesn't really have an explanation why. There is a 42% chance each transfer that it will result in a delivery. He said I was part of the 20% that acheives a pregnancy but does not result in a delivery. He encouraged us that if we want to try for our 3rd try he still feels we are great candiadates. I asked him if there was any testing that he recommended I have done and he said no but if there was anything that would make me feel more comfortable that he would certainly do whatever I wanted. After some reflection I think the only thing I may ask for is antibiotic treatment for a possible uterine infection. This is a simple, non invasive thing that could be done that would help if there is an undected infection but won't hurt if there isn't one. I also asked him if he would change my protocol and he said no he wouldn't. He said everything looked good and my body responded well to the medications so he wouldn't change it. So basically we are going to try one more time and hope and pray that it works. And if it doesn't, we will move on.

I have done a lot of reflection over the last couple of weeks. And God has really given me peace. God has given me words of encouragement through my quiet times, Bible study and from other believers. I feel that God has really brought me to a place of understanding and acknowledgemnt that I am His. He wants the best for me. It hurts Him to see me in pain when things don't go my way but ultimately He knows what's best. And I have gotten to a place where I can firmly say " God I want what you want for me, that is the desire of my heart". I used to think that one of my heart's desires was to be pregnant. I have come to realize that this is a longing of mine but not my heart's desire. My heart's desire is to be a wife, a mother and most importantly God's daughter and disciple. We can't have all of our longings. My longing to experience pregnancy may or may not be fullfilled. I don't know this or not. But I do know that God will give me the desires of my heart if I seek Him with my whole heart. That I am trying to get my focus to be. God has a plan for my life. Will I be disappointed just like any child is if they don't get what they want, sure I will be. But I would rather God do what He thinks is best in leading the plan for my life than for Him to always give me what I want. A good parent doesn't give their child all that they want, they give them what they know is best for them. That's a hard lesson to learn but I am trying to work on that. I know God has a plan. I have seen His miraculous wonders already. A couple of years ago God decided not to give me what I asked for. I prayed that God would allow Josh and I to conceive a child. But God gave me the desire of my heart when He gave me Raegan. And I know it is no different. God may give me what I am asking for when Josh and I go for a 3rd embryo adoption transfer or He may not. But I am confident He knows what's best. He doesn't promise it will be easy but He promises to bless His children.

Another No

We heard back today from Dr. Keenan's office regarding my blood work from yesterday morning. The hcg level dropped to a 4 so we are I am no longer possibly pregnant. In a lot of ways I wish that on tuesday they could have just told me it was negative. On tuesday that is what I was expecting to hear but instead I heard positive. I looked on the internet and talked to some people i knew who said that they too had very low initial hcg levels but that it kept increasing and they had normal pregancies. My hope increased and I found myself actually believing that this time it was going to be different and I would indeed be pregnant. I tried to not get my hopes up too much because I knew that 12 was a very low number and although it was ok for some people for me it wouldn't necesarily turn out all right. But my hopes got up. I even started experiencing what I thought were pregnancy symptoms but maybe that was just wishful thinking ( it's amazing what we which for when we want to be pregnant, what I would have given to have had morning sickness.) I was almost completely convinced by the time i got the call today that it was going to be good news. But it wasn't. I definitely broke down for a while. Getting my hopes up only to be let down was really hard. I felt like some of that peace that I had gathered on monday was lost with the let down that I wasn't really expecting. But regardless it is what it is. And I know that God has not left me. He still has a plan. I don't know what His point of allowing me to have a postive test only to receive a negative test next but He knows and one day I will find out answers to these questions. None of us like pain but it is what allows up to grow. It's so hard to live in this world remembering it is only temporary. I had a pretty rough afternoon but I can already feel the peace coming back in. God does have a plan. God is faithful. God has not changed.

After I had my little breakdown for a while, I heard Raegan waking up from her nap. I went in to her room and I still had some tears on my face and I picked her up and she gave me a kiss and patted my back with her hand. She has no idea why I was crying and she probably doesn't even understand when I am sad but she knew what to do. I am so blessed to have her. She brings me so much joy. It's always amazing to me how joy and sadness can reside so closely together. She is a constant reminder to me of God's love and faithfullness. She is a constant reminder to me that no matter what depth of pain we experience the end result is always worth it. I am confident that one day in the future of our family there will be another little reminder walking around and I again will say " I am so thankful for the pain because without it I wouldn't have you".

So we are moving on to the next steps of our journey. We will be praying about what God wants us to do next. We will probably go back to the NEDC for a 3rd and final try at embryo adoption but we still want to be open to other options as well. I don't want to be so consumed with trying to expand our family that we don't spend time cherishing the family that we are today. I am going to enjoy my time with Raegan. I know I will miss those one on one times with her once other children are brought into our familand be thankful for the many blessings in our lives.

Possibly Pregnant

I finally got a call back from my nurse at the NEDC this afternoon. Just as an aside Quest Diagnostics does not really take the STAT part of an order seriously. But anyway she had just received the lab results and she said that it was positive but a very low positive. The hcg value was 12 and I am not sure what the number on my progesterone was but she said that was excellent ( it should be with as much as I am having shot into my body twice a day). She said 12 is a low number but that to confirm a pregnancy it is not so much the number but how it is rising. I guess from a little research anything above a 5 is technically considered positive. So I have to go in for another lab draw tomorrow morning. And that result will be the determining factor of if I am to continue on meds,etc. for this cycle. So I have to say it was not what I was expecting. I was anticipating that it would be a no and that I would stop my meds today. But such is not the case at least not yet. So we have a few more days of waiting. We are continuing to pray that God would bless us with a baby. I had been upset for a couple of days as i had posted about in my last post. I was sure it didn't work and I was upset. But we had a really good message at church on sunday and I had some really good time talking to God yesterday and I am amazed at the sense of peace He brought me. A reoccuring theme that has been coming up is how God is my father, my parent. I have been reflecting on that and on how God wants me to treat Him like a parent. As I shared in my last post. I can't always give Raegan what she wants because it's not good for her. As a toddler she has a narrow focus and a narrow ability to understand the plans I have for her as a parent. Why did I ever think it was any different with God and I? It's not. He means it when He says He has a plan for me. Today I am trusting in that fact as He continues to reveal His plans to me and my family. He has never left my side and he never will. Today I am thankful that I am technically still pregnant. I am going to enjoy that for today and wait and see what God brings to me tomorrow.

Test on Monday

I have scheduled my blood test to see if i am still pregnant. It's on monday so it's not too much longer of a wait. I am beginning to feel not so confident that this worked. I feel the same way that I did at this point in the last transfer. I was pretty upset yesterday but I am trying to have peace and rely on God to see us through this process. We won't know anything for sure until monday. And I know no matter what the outcome that God is in control and He does have a perfect plan. I know God doesn't always answer prayers in the way that we think we want but He is our loving father and He knows what is best for our lives. I have a clearer picture of how God views us now that I am a parent. Sometimes Raegan really wants something and she is persistent in asking. Sometimes we give her what she wants and sometimes we have to say "no". We say no not because we are mean parents who don't love her. We say know because it is our job as her parents to watch out for her, protect her and guide her. We say no sometimes because we love her too much not to say no. I don't know why I ever doubt that God loves me or treats me any differntly than I treat my own daughter. In fact God loves me in a way that I can't even fathom and I know He wants the best for me. So as we approach monday I cling to His promises. And I cling to the fact that He loves me more than I could ever know and He has a perfect plan for my life and for our family.

We're Home

We have all made it home safe and sound. Josh and I were making good time yesterday when we were driving so we decided to just drive straight through to my parents house ( we also couldn't stand to be away from Raegan another night!). I was afraid I wouldn't be comfortable in the car and would have to split the trip up but I was able to put a pillow behind me and recline my seat in a way that was rather comfortable so we decided to come all the way back. Raegan was taking a walk with my mom when we pulled up my mom said she recognized the car ( we were driving Josh's car) and started saying " it's da da!". Then she ran over to us to greet us. We couldn't have asked for a better greeting or gift on our anniversary than to get to see our little girl. We drove back home this morning and Raegan took a good nap, as did I after going to the grocery store. We are all glad to be back home. And we really appreciate my parents watching Raegan (and Kona)again. I know she had a great time with them!

We now just continue our wait to see what happens. I haven't had a chance to scan our embies picture yet but i will post it as soon as i do.