We have a mini van. I know there are still a lot of people who swear they will never drive a mini=van because of the stereotypes about minivans. I for one always wanted a mini van. My parents never had one and I wanted them to. I thought they were practical. You can get so many people in one car! My husband was one of those people who said " Iwill never own a mini van". Well guess what, after Raegan was born and we realized that our biggest car, a Vibe, was not big enough when we went on trips with our baby and our toddler ( our dog who acts more like a toddler than a dog), we got a minivan. We decided to get a minivan because we knew we wanted to have more kids. We prayed, Lord, we are getting this minivan so you can fill it with children. And my husband bought into the idea becuase the mini van we got was rather sporty and it even has a sports car engine so it doesn't " feel" like a minivan. That is still our prayer. " God fill our mini van with children".
Yesterday He blessed us with 2 little tiny lives that we hope will grow inside my womb and one day take up 2 seats in our minivan next to their big sister. Everything went well with the transfer. There were 4 embryos total but only 2 ended up surviving the thaw. The 2 that survived were very healthy according to the embyrolost. They receive scores and one had a AB score which is very good and the other one had an AA score to which the embyrologist said " you can't get any better than that". So we are hoping and of course praying that these two little ones survive. They again gave us a picture of them which is always my favorite part. But this time when they handed me the picture it felt different. Now I don't like to go on feelings. But it almost felt like I was laying in a hospital bed being shown our newborn babies for the first time. It felt really real this time, like this is it,these are our babies.
We are excited to see what God has planned. We know He already knows every detail of our life. I have been at peace throughout this procedure and it is my hope and prayer that I can remain that way no matter what happens. For now I am just excited to be able to get to leave Tennessee after I finish my bedrest of 24 hours and go to NC to see our precious toddler at her aunt and uncles house ( whom I think we still miss more than she misses us).
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
In God's Hands
We made it to Knoxville yesterday without any problems. I thank God that He protected our family from any illness that would have prevented us from coming. There was so much going around in our town and with our friends that I would have to say even with my efforts of keeping Raegan "quarentined" , we have already experienced God's first miracle of this trip. It is without question that it is God's provision that we are here and that we are all completely healthy!
We left yesterday and we brought my mom ( who was staying with us since sunday) and Raegan with us part of the way. My brother's father in law Bill graciously offered to drive up and meet us along 81 to pick up my mom and Raegan and take them back to Greensboro so that we wouldn't have to go out of our way. That was such a blessing too because if we were to have driven them to Greensboro and then headed to Knoxville it would have made for a very long one day trip. So thank you so much Bill! We had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel ( of course) where we met Bill and then my mom and Raegan were on their way to my brothers house. We thought Raegan might have trouble leaving us and getting in another car but all we had to do was tell her she was going to see her cousins and she was fine. My mom said she didn't fuss at all on the car ride. Josh and I were the ones fighting back tears becuase we hate leaving that little girl! Josh and I continued on our way to Knoxville and arrived here at about 5 pm. When we called to check in on Raegan we heard her on the other end of the phone having a blast and already being spoiled with attention by her cousins! Again we were the ones fighting back tears saying we miss her ( shouldn't it be the other way around?). But we are truly happy that she gets to spend a few days with her cousins whom she loves! And her grandma and aunt and uncle! And Josh and I were able to go on a date to a nice Japanese restaurant. So that was a blessing too since it has been a long time since we have really had a date.
We are now just up and waiting for our transfer. We go at 2 and our transfer is scheduled for 2:30 this afternoon. It's kind of nice to have the day to relax and prepare ( and to be able to sleep in past 6 am!). I just got finished having some really great time praying and reading my devotional. I have really been trying to have peace throughout this process. I woke up at about 5 am with some anxious thoughts but I prayed at that time and was able to go back to sleep. When i woke up later and had my quiet time God gave me some great words. I actually opened up to the wrong day in my devotional and started reading it and realized it was the day that God had intended for me to read. Here are some excerpts:
" I am with you always...People respond to my continual presence in various ways. Most Christians accept this truth but ignore it in their daily routines. A few people center their lives around this glorious promise and find themselves blessed beyond all expectations. When my presence is the focal point of your consciousness, all of the pieces of your life fall into place. As you gaze at me through the eyes of your heart, you can see the world around you from my perspective. The fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaninful". ( From Nearer to Jesus by Sarah Young).
One of the scipture references was Psalm 139 which is one of my favorite pieces of scripture ( if not my favorite). It was a reminder again this morning that God has my life in His hands. He knows my every thought. He knows my every word. And He knows everything that is going to happen in my life. He also knows these precious embies. He knows what His plan is for their lives. He knew about each one of us before even a day was formed on Earth. So there is no reason to fear. Our lives, all of our lives are in His hands. Today I cling to that promise and I strive to gaze at my God through the eyes of my heart. He has a purpose for every moment of my life and for every life. Today I strive to walk through every moment with the peace that only He can give. There is no reason to fear. There is no reason to be anxious. My God is with me and He carries me through every step and every moment of this journey of life. I am excited to see what miracles He is going to perform today.
" O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me... You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am... You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. .. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." ~ excerpts from Psalm 139
We left yesterday and we brought my mom ( who was staying with us since sunday) and Raegan with us part of the way. My brother's father in law Bill graciously offered to drive up and meet us along 81 to pick up my mom and Raegan and take them back to Greensboro so that we wouldn't have to go out of our way. That was such a blessing too because if we were to have driven them to Greensboro and then headed to Knoxville it would have made for a very long one day trip. So thank you so much Bill! We had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel ( of course) where we met Bill and then my mom and Raegan were on their way to my brothers house. We thought Raegan might have trouble leaving us and getting in another car but all we had to do was tell her she was going to see her cousins and she was fine. My mom said she didn't fuss at all on the car ride. Josh and I were the ones fighting back tears becuase we hate leaving that little girl! Josh and I continued on our way to Knoxville and arrived here at about 5 pm. When we called to check in on Raegan we heard her on the other end of the phone having a blast and already being spoiled with attention by her cousins! Again we were the ones fighting back tears saying we miss her ( shouldn't it be the other way around?). But we are truly happy that she gets to spend a few days with her cousins whom she loves! And her grandma and aunt and uncle! And Josh and I were able to go on a date to a nice Japanese restaurant. So that was a blessing too since it has been a long time since we have really had a date.
We are now just up and waiting for our transfer. We go at 2 and our transfer is scheduled for 2:30 this afternoon. It's kind of nice to have the day to relax and prepare ( and to be able to sleep in past 6 am!). I just got finished having some really great time praying and reading my devotional. I have really been trying to have peace throughout this process. I woke up at about 5 am with some anxious thoughts but I prayed at that time and was able to go back to sleep. When i woke up later and had my quiet time God gave me some great words. I actually opened up to the wrong day in my devotional and started reading it and realized it was the day that God had intended for me to read. Here are some excerpts:
" I am with you always...People respond to my continual presence in various ways. Most Christians accept this truth but ignore it in their daily routines. A few people center their lives around this glorious promise and find themselves blessed beyond all expectations. When my presence is the focal point of your consciousness, all of the pieces of your life fall into place. As you gaze at me through the eyes of your heart, you can see the world around you from my perspective. The fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaninful". ( From Nearer to Jesus by Sarah Young).
One of the scipture references was Psalm 139 which is one of my favorite pieces of scripture ( if not my favorite). It was a reminder again this morning that God has my life in His hands. He knows my every thought. He knows my every word. And He knows everything that is going to happen in my life. He also knows these precious embies. He knows what His plan is for their lives. He knew about each one of us before even a day was formed on Earth. So there is no reason to fear. Our lives, all of our lives are in His hands. Today I cling to that promise and I strive to gaze at my God through the eyes of my heart. He has a purpose for every moment of my life and for every life. Today I strive to walk through every moment with the peace that only He can give. There is no reason to fear. There is no reason to be anxious. My God is with me and He carries me through every step and every moment of this journey of life. I am excited to see what miracles He is going to perform today.
" O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me... You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am... You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. .. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." ~ excerpts from Psalm 139
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
We're Ready
I haven't been very good at updating this blog but I thought I put up a post to let everyone know the progress so far. As of today we are officially ready. I had my last monitoring appointment and bloodwork and everything looks good so I am cleared to begin my progesterone on sunday. I have completed a round of antibiotics just in case it was an infection that caused the implantation failures in the first 2 rounds. I am currently on Estrace and just finished my last shot of Lupron last night. So we are ready to go! My mom and dad are coming down on sunday and my mom is going to stay with us until our trip. It will be nice to have a few days to get some stuff done so that I am able to relax when we come home. We will be leaving on wednesday morning and taking my mom and Raegan to my brothers house in North Carolina. They will stay there while Josh and I travel down to Knoxville for the transfer. Josh and I will come back to their house on friday and we will all have an early Thanksgiving dinner with them and stay the weekend. I am sure Raegan will have a blast playing with her cousins. So we are all set. The only objective now is to make sure we all stay healthy! Raegan and I have been pretty much staying around the house to try to minimize exposure to germs ( especially the flu). I don't mind getting a cold I just don't want to catch anything that may mean us having to cancel our transfer. So right now we are just enjoying our time as a family and praying that next week is the beginning of a bigger family for us.
A lot of people have asked me how I am feeling about this transfer. I would have to say that I am looking forward to this process being over. Emotionally and physically it is just very taxing to have to deal with all of the appointments, shots, trips to Tennesee, having to leave Raegan. Of course we want the outcome of this transfer to be a preganncy. That is our greatest hope and prayer. And I know it will be devastating if this doesn't work but I know that God will carry us through it all and He has a perfect plan for our family. We are looking forward to this journey unfolding. I go through times where I am at peace about this. There are days when I feel like I will be ok if this doesn't work and that I will have to give up my longing of experiencing pregnancy. And then there are other days that I feel like i can't face having to give up that longing. What I have learned recently is that things haven't gotten easier. Josh and I are still dealing with the loss of not being able to conceive and that will always be a part of us and our journey. We were so blessed by the gift of adoption when God brought Raegan into our family. And for a while it seemed like the pain had lifted. But what I realize is that the pain is still there. Now we face the pain of longing for Raegan to have a sibling and not being able to provide her that they way we want. Raegan loves being around other kids. She loves playing with the big kids but she also really loves babies now. Whenever we leave from seeing friends she cries. That makes it so hard on me. If it was my plan she would be having a baby brother or sister in december. But that was not God's plan. I thought it would get easier to hear of other's getting pregnant. And for a while I think it did because we had Raegan. But now as we are longing for Raegan's brother or sister, hearing that news from others who are expecting their next children is hard again. It's not becuase I am not happy for others, it is just because I long for what they have. So anyway. I guess in some ways I am finding that it feels like the pain is creeping back in when I thought it had gone away. What I try to focus on is looking back and seeing how God provided. Looking back and remembering that crushing feeling I had when Josh and I were told we couldn't have children. And then remembering how God blessed us with the most beautiful little baby girl we have ever seen, 9 months later. We know God is faithful. We know God will give us our heart's desire - a sibling for Raegan. And we know that God is with us through the waiting and through the pain. The other day Raegan told us she wanted 3 babies so maybe God knew we needed a little extra time to prepare :)
We are looking forward to meeting our precious little embies next week and seeing how this journey unfolds for us.
A lot of people have asked me how I am feeling about this transfer. I would have to say that I am looking forward to this process being over. Emotionally and physically it is just very taxing to have to deal with all of the appointments, shots, trips to Tennesee, having to leave Raegan. Of course we want the outcome of this transfer to be a preganncy. That is our greatest hope and prayer. And I know it will be devastating if this doesn't work but I know that God will carry us through it all and He has a perfect plan for our family. We are looking forward to this journey unfolding. I go through times where I am at peace about this. There are days when I feel like I will be ok if this doesn't work and that I will have to give up my longing of experiencing pregnancy. And then there are other days that I feel like i can't face having to give up that longing. What I have learned recently is that things haven't gotten easier. Josh and I are still dealing with the loss of not being able to conceive and that will always be a part of us and our journey. We were so blessed by the gift of adoption when God brought Raegan into our family. And for a while it seemed like the pain had lifted. But what I realize is that the pain is still there. Now we face the pain of longing for Raegan to have a sibling and not being able to provide her that they way we want. Raegan loves being around other kids. She loves playing with the big kids but she also really loves babies now. Whenever we leave from seeing friends she cries. That makes it so hard on me. If it was my plan she would be having a baby brother or sister in december. But that was not God's plan. I thought it would get easier to hear of other's getting pregnant. And for a while I think it did because we had Raegan. But now as we are longing for Raegan's brother or sister, hearing that news from others who are expecting their next children is hard again. It's not becuase I am not happy for others, it is just because I long for what they have. So anyway. I guess in some ways I am finding that it feels like the pain is creeping back in when I thought it had gone away. What I try to focus on is looking back and seeing how God provided. Looking back and remembering that crushing feeling I had when Josh and I were told we couldn't have children. And then remembering how God blessed us with the most beautiful little baby girl we have ever seen, 9 months later. We know God is faithful. We know God will give us our heart's desire - a sibling for Raegan. And we know that God is with us through the waiting and through the pain. The other day Raegan told us she wanted 3 babies so maybe God knew we needed a little extra time to prepare :)
We are looking forward to meeting our precious little embies next week and seeing how this journey unfolds for us.
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