Today I had my phone appointment with Dr. Keenan from the NEDC. He is really such a nice doctor, so very compassionate. This appointment went much like the last appointment. He said he was very sorry it didn't work and that he doesn't really have an explanation why. There is a 42% chance each transfer that it will result in a delivery. He said I was part of the 20% that acheives a pregnancy but does not result in a delivery. He encouraged us that if we want to try for our 3rd try he still feels we are great candiadates. I asked him if there was any testing that he recommended I have done and he said no but if there was anything that would make me feel more comfortable that he would certainly do whatever I wanted. After some reflection I think the only thing I may ask for is antibiotic treatment for a possible uterine infection. This is a simple, non invasive thing that could be done that would help if there is an undected infection but won't hurt if there isn't one. I also asked him if he would change my protocol and he said no he wouldn't. He said everything looked good and my body responded well to the medications so he wouldn't change it. So basically we are going to try one more time and hope and pray that it works. And if it doesn't, we will move on.
I have done a lot of reflection over the last couple of weeks. And God has really given me peace. God has given me words of encouragement through my quiet times, Bible study and from other believers. I feel that God has really brought me to a place of understanding and acknowledgemnt that I am His. He wants the best for me. It hurts Him to see me in pain when things don't go my way but ultimately He knows what's best. And I have gotten to a place where I can firmly say " God I want what you want for me, that is the desire of my heart". I used to think that one of my heart's desires was to be pregnant. I have come to realize that this is a longing of mine but not my heart's desire. My heart's desire is to be a wife, a mother and most importantly God's daughter and disciple. We can't have all of our longings. My longing to experience pregnancy may or may not be fullfilled. I don't know this or not. But I do know that God will give me the desires of my heart if I seek Him with my whole heart. That I am trying to get my focus to be. God has a plan for my life. Will I be disappointed just like any child is if they don't get what they want, sure I will be. But I would rather God do what He thinks is best in leading the plan for my life than for Him to always give me what I want. A good parent doesn't give their child all that they want, they give them what they know is best for them. That's a hard lesson to learn but I am trying to work on that. I know God has a plan. I have seen His miraculous wonders already. A couple of years ago God decided not to give me what I asked for. I prayed that God would allow Josh and I to conceive a child. But God gave me the desire of my heart when He gave me Raegan. And I know it is no different. God may give me what I am asking for when Josh and I go for a 3rd embryo adoption transfer or He may not. But I am confident He knows what's best. He doesn't promise it will be easy but He promises to bless His children.
